the greatest wizards of our time

let me just first of say, that i really do like harry potter and am very excited for the next movie to come out.  i probably couldn't see it on opening night cause of a lack of tickets, but either way i plan to watch it when i go home for the summer cause my brother and i have consistently watched like.. all of them in marathons when a new one comes out.  can't crap out when the series is finished, right?  though, while the marathon is fun, i will warn all yall that you will go through withdrawals after watching that much harry... i'm not even joking there.

so yes i am a harry fan.  great books, great movies.  just remember that when i proceed to tear apart certain aspects of it later in this post.

so anyways, i've seen a lot of movies and played a lot of video games that have to do with wizards.  i've noticed a lot of similarities and i've noticed some really silly things about many of them.  first off, we'll look at some common trends.

first off, there's always the good guys.  in movies, its likely that the wizards are in training or something, in video games, a wizard typically means its a scrawny lil whimp who can't do much damage and has terrible HP and defense.  but his MP (or mana if you will) is through the roof and he can probably nuke all the enemies on the screen no problemo.

k, next is the old guys.  seriously.  every movie about wizards and just about every fantasy movie or video game just has to have the old guy who also happens to be a wizard, who also know pretty much everything about everything but is really really vague about the fact that he knows everything about everything and then may or may not die for some amount of the time but has to also come back in some form or fasion so that all the fanboys don't get mad.  yeah.

then you got the bad guys.  typically, they're power hungry snots who exploit the fact that they're awesome wizards while they go tearing through the world (or just hiding in their castle) and looking for the source of ultimate power which will let them rule the world, which they pretty much achieve but since the bad guys have to lose, there's always some loophole with the ultimate power thing that can allow Link or Harry to take em down.  yeah... its a good thing Voldemort never got the Triforce, cause dang... we'd be in big trouble.


anyways, now that i've outlined some of the basics of wizardry... i'm gonna start making fun of it.  the first target will be Harry and his universe.  sorry, yall.


the thing that really bothers me about the harry potter world is just the way that everyone has to do magic.  maybe its cause i grew up watching magic users cast flare or luminare for the mere cost of 20 MP and destroying all the enemies on the screen effortlessly, but i just have trouble taking it seriously when in order to cast a dang spell you gotta flick your wrist correctly and say the proper incantation.  sure, it was nice and fun and cute in the first couple of books/movies, which were clearly more intended for children then the later ones.  i think the what really did it for me was when like the series started getting really dark, and like they're doing the evil ritual with harry's blood and wormtail's cut off hand and tom riddle's dad's bones in order to bring voldemort back to life, (which, by the way was the point in the series that my 88 year old grandma just happened to walk into during my brother/my marathon) and so you have go the most evil, powerful wizard brought back to life and he's ready to tear the world apart and like the first thing he says in his terrifying, commanding all-powerful, all evil voice is, "where is my wand?"

sorry, voldy.  no matter how bad A you look, no matter how terrifying your return is, no matter how many acting classes you took and times you ran over that phrase, i just can't take you seriously anymore after that line.


and i still think a well-placed sniper could do the job against voldemort.  just saying..

well, at least voldemort got one thing right.  when he decided to take over the world, he pretty much took it over.  he gained so much momentum by the last book it was ridiculous.  that tends to be a common failure of the bad guy.  like, oh Ganondorf for example.

i love the Legend of Zelda.  I love just about everything about it.  i still think that Ganon is one of the greatest villains ever.  but really, dude?  you got the triforce of power.  you're a superpowerful wizard.  you're capable of tearing Hyrule apart at your pleasure.  what do you do with all that power?

oh.  you sit in your castle waiting for link to slowly get all the items and heart containers and blue potions so that he can come in and kick your trash after saving the maidens or sages or whoever's gonna help him get into your dang tower.  oops.. well, at least the organ lessons paid off..

and yeah, relocating everyone in the castle town to kakariko village isn't really gonna land you in the world-class evildoer club.

yet i still practically pooped myself when i played the game last and opened up the door of time and HE WAS RIGHT. FREAKING. BEHIND ME!! AAHHH!


i could also make fun of the fact that gandalf pretty much didn't do anything with his wizardy powers except for make his staff all shiny only to get it broken 2 seconds later... but Lord of the Rinds fanboys are the scariest and so i won't say anything more..



anyways that's all i have to say about wizardry for now.  if i was a wizard, i definitely wouldn't be wand-dependent, and if i was an evil all-powerful wizard i doubt i'd just wait around in my castle while the good guys are out leveling up enough to kill me.

then again, its not like fiction was always supposed to make that much sense anyways...