The Big Issue

I will always remember that fated day at the doctor's office.  It was the worst news I had ever received.  Standing there against the wall with my shoes off, the nurse broke the news as if she had told a million people that day.  Didn't she have a heart? Didn't she understand what she was telling me, and that it would alter my life forever?  No.  She didn't even care.  She said it like I had known my whole life:

You're 5' 5'' and a quarter


I was 19.  And I was devastated.

I thought I had been 5' 6'' for years.  I even told the DMV that I was 5'7'' because I thought I was 5'6'' and I figured I would grow.  But I didn't.  When I finally did get my driver's license, (the reason as to why it took my until I was 19 is an entirely different story) the DMV lady asked if all my information was correct.  Telling her that I was 2 inches shorter than I had hoped was painful to the extreme.

People tell me it isn't so bad.  They don't know what they're talking about.  They don't know what its like.  You can reach the peanut butter when its on the top shelf, because you put it there so you can laugh at me when I stand on the counter or get a chair.  You don't have to move the seat of your car all the way forward to drive.  You didn't have to have another person ride with you in a go-cart when you were 14 fetching years old.

Its the same people who say it isn't so bad who consistently point out their supposed superiority.

Oh little Tay.  Oh little Tay.  Oh how'd you get so little?

Thanks.  Dirtbag.  You can stop singing the song now.


Scott, you're awesome.  You're just too short.  

Oh.. of course.   Or maybe you're just too tall!

Scott how tall are you?  Oh.. yeah, I'm taller than you are. 

What I think you meant to say was: "Scott, I'm madly in love with you, if only I could give you 2-3 inches of my height.  Then we could ride off into the sunset on a magical pegasus unicorn of happiness" 

It provokes me when I see a really really tall guy with a really really short girl.  I don't know why, but its just some unwritten rule that the girl can't be taller.  For real though!  It just doesn't work!  So I see these giants, right, they can pick any girl they want.  But they don't go for the volleyball players or whoever.  They pick a cute lil 5'3'' or 5'2'' girl just to anger me.  Just to anger me.

Oh, but they're just evening out the gene pool.

Really?  Isn't the point of the gene pool to keep it diverse?  Whatever.  Its better to make everyone the same.

How tall are you?  5'7''?

I can't thank you enough for assuming.

Do you know this girl?  She's tiny. You should just propose to her.

... maybe I will.  And seriously, thank you for assuming.

I don't usually care this much about it, but for some reason people have been recently pointing it out a lot more than usual.  Thanks, people.  Thanks for telling me what I've already known my entire life.  I know I have to jump to touch the ceiling, I know sometimes have to get a chair, and I know that the average girl can probably beat me up.

Whatever. Its fine.  If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be tall anyways.

At least Dexter knows what I'm talking about. 

Not Quite Fanmail

So for my English 313 class, I have to keep this writing journal thing, where I have to write stuff.  Yep.  But my teacher seems to be pretty cool, and wants us to pretty much write like.. whatever we want.  She seriously gave the journal of a slug as a suggestion, or like, a poem about what you would do if you were Spiderman.  So we get to practice writing cool stuff.  I guess.  Anyways, when I feel like I've written one that will make you giggle, I will put it up here.

so this little piece of writing is based off a joke my older brother told me years ago that i've always found pretty amusing.  anyways, here it goes. i call it:

Not Quite Fanmail

Prince Charming,

This is the last straw.  This is it.  We're through.  I can't believe you, but by now you probably don't even remember who I am.  I can't remember the last time you wrote me back, but of course I wouldn't want to be a burden on you.  You're busy, I'm sure, having meals with dignitaries and cutting the red tap from all those new wizards' towers.  Too busy to even think about writing your weepy, sad-eyed little wife, who, might I add, slaves away DAY AND NIGHT to keep your castle tidy.  All of your friends out there probably don't even know I exist, I'm sure of it.

Don't think you're getting away with it.  You're not fooling me, you hear?  My stepsister tole me the whole thing.  I HAD TO HEAR IT FROM MY STEPSISTER!  I didn't believe her at first, but when I talked to my godmother- you know she wouldn't lie to me- I just about fell apart.  I know what you're really doing out there.  I know you've been cheating on me.  And with who?  Some seventeen year old brat!?  Sure, she's "fair as the snow," or at least that's what they tell me.  It just goes to show what kind of a man you really are!  I know how it happened- you just went of into the woods, on one of your "hunting trips" and you found her laying there... and then what did you do?  You don't try to help her, you didn't call for a forest ranger, you just bend over right then and there and kissed her.  And that ignorant skank actually thinks you're in love with her after that!?  She doesn't have what we have.  We have true love- or at at least had it- we did things right- we danced for three whole songs before we decided to get married!  Who do you think you are, throwing that all away in one kiss!

She really isn't all she's cracked up to be.  I've done some digging.  For starters, that girl couldn't sing any better than a dying pheasant.  And do you know where she's been?  She's been living with several strange men, with all kinds of problems- anger management issues, narcolepsy, allergies- one of them can't even grow a beard!  How do you know she won't leave you for one of them?  She's probably just after your money or your title.  But I doubt you mind, all you care about is what is on the outside anyways...

Why can't we have what Philip and Aurora have?  They've been married for ten years and they're still going strong!  She still talks about how he slayed a dragon for her like it happened yesterday!  And he treats her so well!  He does his dishes, he helps hang the laundry, he even puts the toilet seat down when he's finished!  He listens to her, and he understands her in way's you'll never understand me.

This is it.  We're finished.  I'm done with you.  I'm going to live with my godmother- she makes me feel important.  I'll have a lawyer send the divorce papers- I trust you can have those signed and sent back properly.

Someday, people will see you for what you really are- a monster.  A filthy, loathsome, selfish beast who even the French wouldn't have any respect for.  But I'm probably just speaking to a wall by now.  Goodbye, Prince Charming.  Have fun with your perfect little princess.  You deserve each other.

Unhappily Ever After,


             Cinderella