Not Quite Fanmail

So for my English 313 class, I have to keep this writing journal thing, where I have to write stuff.  Yep.  But my teacher seems to be pretty cool, and wants us to pretty much write like.. whatever we want.  She seriously gave the journal of a slug as a suggestion, or like, a poem about what you would do if you were Spiderman.  So we get to practice writing cool stuff.  I guess.  Anyways, when I feel like I've written one that will make you giggle, I will put it up here.

so this little piece of writing is based off a joke my older brother told me years ago that i've always found pretty amusing.  anyways, here it goes. i call it:

Not Quite Fanmail

Prince Charming,

This is the last straw.  This is it.  We're through.  I can't believe you, but by now you probably don't even remember who I am.  I can't remember the last time you wrote me back, but of course I wouldn't want to be a burden on you.  You're busy, I'm sure, having meals with dignitaries and cutting the red tap from all those new wizards' towers.  Too busy to even think about writing your weepy, sad-eyed little wife, who, might I add, slaves away DAY AND NIGHT to keep your castle tidy.  All of your friends out there probably don't even know I exist, I'm sure of it.

Don't think you're getting away with it.  You're not fooling me, you hear?  My stepsister tole me the whole thing.  I HAD TO HEAR IT FROM MY STEPSISTER!  I didn't believe her at first, but when I talked to my godmother- you know she wouldn't lie to me- I just about fell apart.  I know what you're really doing out there.  I know you've been cheating on me.  And with who?  Some seventeen year old brat!?  Sure, she's "fair as the snow," or at least that's what they tell me.  It just goes to show what kind of a man you really are!  I know how it happened- you just went of into the woods, on one of your "hunting trips" and you found her laying there... and then what did you do?  You don't try to help her, you didn't call for a forest ranger, you just bend over right then and there and kissed her.  And that ignorant skank actually thinks you're in love with her after that!?  She doesn't have what we have.  We have true love- or at at least had it- we did things right- we danced for three whole songs before we decided to get married!  Who do you think you are, throwing that all away in one kiss!

She really isn't all she's cracked up to be.  I've done some digging.  For starters, that girl couldn't sing any better than a dying pheasant.  And do you know where she's been?  She's been living with several strange men, with all kinds of problems- anger management issues, narcolepsy, allergies- one of them can't even grow a beard!  How do you know she won't leave you for one of them?  She's probably just after your money or your title.  But I doubt you mind, all you care about is what is on the outside anyways...

Why can't we have what Philip and Aurora have?  They've been married for ten years and they're still going strong!  She still talks about how he slayed a dragon for her like it happened yesterday!  And he treats her so well!  He does his dishes, he helps hang the laundry, he even puts the toilet seat down when he's finished!  He listens to her, and he understands her in way's you'll never understand me.

This is it.  We're finished.  I'm done with you.  I'm going to live with my godmother- she makes me feel important.  I'll have a lawyer send the divorce papers- I trust you can have those signed and sent back properly.

Someday, people will see you for what you really are- a monster.  A filthy, loathsome, selfish beast who even the French wouldn't have any respect for.  But I'm probably just speaking to a wall by now.  Goodbye, Prince Charming.  Have fun with your perfect little princess.  You deserve each other.

Unhappily Ever After,


             Cinderella