anyone who has talked to me about dating or girls or that whole thing also knows that i've let a let of bitterness in my heart about it. to be blunt, i've had a fair share of back luck. and that's all i can really call it- i don't hate women, i don't think they're evil or stupid or any of that, its just been really back luck. sometimes i feel like whoever said that its easier after serving a mission was just trolling us. overall i feel like the whole dating thing (and maybe our somewhat crazy BYU culture) has hurt my confidence in girls and myself.
buuut i don't really care to say any more about that. i can rant on and on if i want to, but eh.. i don't want to.
what i DO want to rant about are the things that actually made the confidence improve. there have been many people and situations who have helped me with that.
i remember the first day i took a major-related class. it was actually a pre-req but the major was small enough that we all took it together anyways. i was basically meeting the 20-ish women that i'd be spending the next 2 years taking classes with (and that's really how it was, i was one of 2 dudes, but he didn't take that first class with us). anyways, this girl who ended up being my best friend from my cohort sits behind me and starts talking. we're talking about applying to the program (which was due in like a week or something) and she asked where i did my service hours at... and i was like.. uh... .. .. crap.
after the initial shock, applying to the program really wasn't the nightmare we all thought it was (i would laugh if i knew then how panicky my lovely sisters could get) and hey- i was accepted. w00t.
so much good came from it too. being able to go through the summer teaching program and student teaching helped me feel way better about myself- not really cause of anything i did, though. i got to work with kids who just decided that they liked me from the start. kids who, despite having a disability that makes it harder to think, went ahead and learned my name anyways. they liked me just cause i was there to help them. they didn't judge me. heck, they don't judge anyone- and i don't know if that process even crosses their minds.
it does a lot for an insecure dorky dorkwad like me.
but heck, i saw plenty of good happening before we got to teaching. every time we had a big assignment or project due, everyone made sure to help each other out. i may poke fun at how my cohort friends would freak out with every project, but that wave of panic was always quickly followed by them coming together and helping each other figure it out.
putting school aside though, they cared about each other lives when homework wasn't due. they remembered each others' birthdays. they'd scream like little schoolgirls for each other whenever someone got engaged. and then go to the weddings- sometimes that even meant travelling out of state. they became friends and hung out with each other (well, some of them anyways ^.^ )
and heck, they'd go out of their way to be nice to me and do things that they really didn't have to. whether it was one of MANY carpools where i got to vent about girls or whatever i was mad at at the time. or just talk about silly things like the aquabats or how i like the same nintendo games as their 12 year old brother. or however many times i didn't have to walk home alone, even though i'd pretend that i wanted to.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm happy that i've found something that can put my heart into. i'm happy about what i've studied and what i'm going to do with my life. and i'm grateful for the people that i've met along the way.
and its not just the people in my major. i've made plenty of friends who go out of their way to care. like roommates who get me apple juice on a day that i'm hating life. or friends who stand up for me knowing that i'll probably get mad at them for it. or brothers who talk to me when i'm feeling like crap and remember to check a few days later to still if i'm still good.
if the one of the greatest commandments is for us to love each other, i'd say we're actually doing a pretty good job at it. sure, we're human, we judge, we hate, we do stupid things, but i really don't think we're that bad at loving each other either. or being nice. or caring. or whatever it is. a lot of the things that i've mentioned people doing for me probably don't seem like that big of a deal, and probably didn't for the people who were helping me at the time. but it really makes a difference.
in the end i'm grateful for people who put their whole heart into caring and making other people happy.
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