recently there have been a lot of memes focused on frustration with our silly little dating culture here at BYU, and of course, angry boys and angry girls are commenting the crap out of them with their anger. from YEAH BRO THAT'S SO TRUE to angry 3-paragraph essays about why its still all guys' fault that they're shallow and dumb.
if there is one thing that i have learned about dating in the past couple of years-- from my own experiences, to watching others or listening to their advice, its that nobody knows what the heck they are doing. i'm serious! not even the married people really know what they're doing- they got it right once. so i laugh when they try to give me advice thinking that they know everything, cause apparently what you do will work if i do it, cause i'm just like you, what you did to get your wife to love you will totally work for me, cause i'm just like you and my wife will be just like your wife.
i mean its all well-intended. but really we really just don't know what we're doing, and the great thing about it is that more likely than not, things work out anyways! they really do. its so weird... and awesome!
the thing i really want to talk about though is the dreaded, heated, and ever-complained about, ever-infamous friend zone. now before i go on i just wan to say that I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO. i understand what it's like to be attracted to someone and then have them tell you "no, but i still want to be friends." or "no, i don't like you, but i want to still spend time with you a develop a relationship with strong feelings and care for each other exceptfortheattractionpart." i know that it sucks, and it hurts, and that sometimes being put in the friend zone feels more like being thrown in a pit and being digested slowly for thousands of years.
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| boba fett? boba fett, where!? |
now as much as i've complained about it, made fun of it, ragged on it, as much as i may hate it or whatever i have said about it-- i really don't thing the whole friend zone thing is as bad as we all might think it is.
OH MY GOSH SCOTT HOLY CRAP HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT
because, random angry person, i think most of what there is to hate doesn't come from the friend zone itself, but from the misconceptions that surround it- from the things that follow that, at least from what i have gathered, are things that people either do not understand or are not willing to understand.
to explain, i let me first start by describing a typical scott taylor friendzone situation. i'm sure nothing like this has ever happened to you.
1- SCOTT sees GIRL. SCOTT: 'oh. a girl. and a cute on at that!'
2- SCOTT asks GIRL out on date.
3- at some point, SCOTT likes GIRL. often too quickly for her liking. (an understandable plight for our young heroine).
4- it becomes apparent that SCOTT likes GIRL.
5- GIRL gets a little weirded out (again, understandable), and asks SCOTT if they can just be friends.
at this point, the our story becomes a choose your own adventure book!!
if SCOTT becomes friends with GIRL, turn to page 12
if SCOTT gives up chooses to retreat to the shadows to play zelda or otherwise move on, turn to page 63
while the second choice seems obviously like the wrong one, its reasons will become apparent soon enough.
anyways, we're gonna go to page 12 and then see what happens.
page 12: SCOTT becomes friends with GIRL.
1- SCOTT and GIRL are friends.
2- GIRL thinks that SCOTT no longer likes him because they're friends. SCOTT still likes GIRL but knows that he has to get over it. he wants to be her friend because she asked him to and it seems like the right thing to do.
3- SCOTT spends time with GIRL. he enjoys it cause she's a good friend and he still thinks she's cute, and kind of likes the adventurous feeling of keeping that hidden from her.
4- SCOTT continues to get to know GIRL. he starts liking her for better reasons than just cause she's pretty or cute. he likes her because she sees good in other people or is nice to everyone. or because she handles hard situations without complaining or loves God and respects everyone. SCOTT now sees GIRL as an amazing person, and not just another cute girl, though he still thinks that she's an incredibly cute girl.
5- GIRL still only sees SCOTT as that guy she likes to hang out with sometimes, or that guy she goes to school with, etc.
6- holding in all these emotions is starting to do weird things to SCOTT. his stomach hurts when he spends time with GIRL or he gets very anxious. GIRL might wonder why he is acting weird or she might be totally oblivious.
NOW we get to choose our adventure again!
if SCOTT tells GIRL about his feelings, turn to page 24
if SCOTT stops hanging out with GIRL so in an attempt to balance his emotions, turn to page 55
if SCOTT goes insane and steps on a kitten, turn to page 107
again, i'm sure you've never been in this kind of a situation. i bet you couldn't ever put your name in place of SCOTT or GIRL and have it be something that actually happened to you. never ever ever.
the problem i've seen with the friend zone- and we're ALL both the offenders AND the victims, is that often when we cast someone into the pit, we are also refusing to acknowledge their feelings about the situation. we say "hey! i don't like you, but lets be friends LOL!" the problem with that is we're going on our merry way like nothing ever happened between us and our "new friend!"
the problem with the friend zone is NOT that we're trying to be friends with someone that we can't return feelings for. the problem is that we're taking a real person, a living, breathing, child of God with real feelings and emotions and we're saying, "oh. sorry, but your feelings aren't valid. we're friends and that's it."
its really, very, selfish of us to ask someone to be our friend, and then not even come to terms with the fact that they might- and probably do- still have feelings for us. that is the evil of the friend zone. getting rejected or dumped or whatever hurts enough as it is. let's not pour salt-infested lemon juice on the wounds by telling someone that we're going to care for them and who they are (cause that's that friends do after all), but then act like their feelings didn't ever exist or don't matter. as far as i'm concerned, THAT is the change we need to make.
let's face it- we're not going to be able to return the love for everyone who likes or loves us. in fact, you only get one person that it really works for. but we need to treat all the other people along the way like people, not like annoying little monsters who pop up out of nowhere to fight you. if you like someone, but he or she does not like you back, you DO NOT have to apologize for it, nor should you feel that you do! likewise, if you don't like someone back who likes you, you again DO NOT have to feel like there is something wrong with you. because there isn't something wrong with you, and there isn't something wrong with him or her either. but give this person their deserved dignity and don't pretend like he or she doesn't have feelings!
i really do believe that when it's all said and done, we're going to be happy and we're going to laugh our faces off because we worried about this kind of stuff. and for some people, the friend zone really does work. some people really do become friends for however long and it works out. but sometimes it doesn't, and that doesn't make one person right or wrong or better or worse.
but i figure as long as we're here, we might as well do what we can not to make it any harder on each other than we have to.
but i figure as long as we're here, we might as well do what we can not to make it any harder on each other than we have to.
keep it up. you're awesome. that princess (or your desired equivalent) really is in another castle.
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