the pit of friendship

i like to look at the BYU memes page. i think it's funny. but holy crap, some people get so dang emotional on it. lately there have been a LOT of flame wars about this or that, people getting offended or annoyed or whatever. that's also pretty sad, but whatever.

recently there have been a lot of memes focused on frustration with our silly little dating culture here at BYU, and of course, angry boys and angry girls are commenting the crap out of them with their anger. from YEAH BRO THAT'S SO TRUE to angry 3-paragraph essays about why its still all guys' fault that they're shallow and dumb.

if there is one thing that i have learned about dating in the past couple of years-- from my own experiences, to watching others or listening to their advice, its that nobody knows what the heck they are doing. i'm serious! not even the married people really know what they're doing- they got it right once. so i laugh when they try to give me advice thinking that they know everything, cause apparently what you do will work if i do it, cause i'm just like you, what you did to get your wife to love you will totally work for me, cause i'm just like you and my wife will be just like your wife. 

i mean its all well-intended. but really we really just don't know what we're doing, and the great thing about it is that more likely than not, things work out anyways! they really do. its so weird... and awesome!

the thing i really want to talk about though is the dreaded, heated, and ever-complained about, ever-infamous friend zone. now before i go on i just wan to say that I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO. i understand what it's like to be attracted to someone and then have them tell you "no, but i still want to be friends." or "no, i don't like you, but i want to still spend time with you a develop a relationship with strong feelings and care for each other exceptfortheattractionpart." i know that it sucks, and it hurts, and that sometimes being put in the friend zone feels more like being thrown in a pit and being digested slowly for thousands of years.

boba fett? boba fett, where!?

now as much as i've complained about it, made fun of it, ragged on it, as much as i may hate it or whatever i have said about it-- i really don't thing the whole friend zone thing is as bad as we all might think it is.

OH MY GOSH SCOTT HOLY CRAP HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT

because, random angry person, i think most of what there is to hate doesn't come from the friend zone itself, but from the misconceptions that surround it- from the things that follow that, at least from what i have gathered, are things that people either do not understand or are not willing to understand.



to explain, i let me first start by describing a typical scott taylor friendzone situation. i'm sure nothing like this has ever happened to you.

1- SCOTT sees GIRL. SCOTT: 'oh. a girl. and a cute on at that!'
2- SCOTT asks GIRL out on date.
3- at some point, SCOTT likes GIRL. often too quickly for her liking. (an understandable plight for our young heroine).
4- it becomes apparent that SCOTT likes GIRL.
5- GIRL gets a little weirded out (again, understandable), and asks SCOTT if they can just be friends.

at this point, the our story becomes a choose your own adventure book!!

if SCOTT becomes friends with GIRL, turn to page 12

if SCOTT gives up chooses to retreat to the shadows to play zelda or otherwise move on, turn to page 63

while the second choice seems obviously like the wrong one, its reasons will become apparent soon enough.

anyways, we're gonna go to page 12 and then see what happens.

page 12: SCOTT becomes friends with GIRL.

1- SCOTT and GIRL are friends.

2- GIRL thinks that SCOTT no longer likes him because they're friends. SCOTT still likes GIRL but knows that he has to get over it. he wants to be her friend because she asked him to and it seems like the right thing to do.

3- SCOTT spends time with GIRL. he enjoys it cause she's a good friend and he still thinks she's cute, and kind of likes the adventurous feeling of keeping that hidden from her.

4- SCOTT continues to get to know GIRL. he starts liking her for better reasons than just cause she's pretty or cute. he likes her because she sees good in other people or is nice to everyone. or because she handles hard situations without complaining or loves God and respects everyone. SCOTT now sees GIRL as an amazing person, and not just another cute girl, though he still thinks that she's an incredibly cute girl.

5- GIRL still only sees SCOTT as that guy she likes to hang out with sometimes, or that guy she goes to school with, etc. 

6- holding in all these emotions is starting to do weird things to SCOTT. his stomach hurts when he spends time with GIRL or he gets very anxious. GIRL might wonder why he is acting weird or she might be totally oblivious.

NOW we get to choose our adventure again!

if SCOTT tells GIRL about his feelings, turn to page 24

if SCOTT stops hanging out with GIRL so in an attempt to balance his emotions, turn to page 55

if SCOTT goes insane and steps on a kitten, turn to page 107

again, i'm sure you've never been in this kind of a situation. i bet you couldn't ever put your name in place of SCOTT or GIRL and have it be something that actually happened to you. never ever ever. 

the problem i've seen with the friend zone- and we're ALL both the offenders AND the victims, is that often when we cast someone into the pit, we are also refusing to acknowledge their feelings about the situation. we say "hey! i don't like you, but lets be friends LOL!" the problem with that is we're going on our merry way like nothing ever happened between us and our "new friend!" 

the problem with the friend zone is NOT that we're trying to be friends with someone that we can't return feelings for. the problem is that we're taking a real person, a living, breathing, child of God with real feelings and emotions and we're saying, "oh. sorry, but your feelings aren't valid. we're friends and that's it."

its really, very, selfish of us to ask someone to be our friend, and then not even come to terms with the fact that they might- and probably do- still have feelings for us. that is the evil of the friend zone. getting rejected or dumped or whatever hurts enough as it is. let's not pour salt-infested lemon juice on the wounds by telling someone that we're going to care for them and who they are (cause that's that friends do after all), but then act like their feelings didn't ever exist or don't matter. as far as i'm concerned, THAT is the change we need to make.

let's face it- we're not going to be able to return the love for everyone who likes or loves us. in fact, you only get one person that it really works for. but we need to treat all the other people along the way like people, not like annoying little monsters who pop up out of nowhere to fight you. if you like someone, but he or she does not like you back, you DO NOT have to apologize for it, nor should you feel that you do! likewise, if you don't like someone back who likes you, you again DO NOT have to feel like there is something wrong with you. because there isn't something wrong with you, and there isn't something wrong with him or her either. but give this person their deserved dignity and don't pretend like he or she doesn't have feelings! 

i really do believe that when it's all said and done, we're going to be happy and we're going to laugh our faces off because we worried about this kind of stuff. and for some people, the friend zone really does work. some people really do become friends for however long and it works out. but sometimes it doesn't, and that doesn't make one person right or wrong or better or worse.

but i figure as long as we're here, we might as well do what we can not to make it any harder on each other than we have to.

keep it up. you're awesome. that princess (or your desired equivalent) really is in another castle. 

put your heart in it

the past couple of years have been really good. and also really weird. some things have really built my confidence and other things have pretty much torn it down.

anyone who has talked to me about dating or girls or that whole thing also knows that i've let a let of bitterness in my heart about it. to be blunt, i've had a fair share of back luck. and that's all i can really call it- i don't hate women, i don't think they're evil or stupid or any of that, its just been really back luck. sometimes i feel like whoever said that its easier after serving a mission was just trolling us. overall i feel like the whole dating thing (and maybe our somewhat crazy BYU culture) has hurt my confidence in girls and myself.

buuut i don't really care to say any more about that. i can rant on and on if i want to, but eh.. i don't want to.

what i DO want to rant about are the things that actually made the confidence improve. there have been many people and situations who have helped me with that.

i remember the first day i took a major-related class. it was actually a pre-req but the major was small enough that we all took it together anyways. i was basically meeting the 20-ish women that i'd be spending the next 2 years taking classes with (and that's really how it was, i was one of 2 dudes, but he didn't take that first class with us). anyways, this girl who ended up being my best friend from my cohort sits behind me and starts talking. we're talking about applying to the program (which was due in like a week or something) and she asked where i did my service hours at... and i was like.. uh... .. .. crap.



after the initial shock, applying to the program really wasn't the nightmare we all thought it was (i would laugh if i knew then how panicky my lovely sisters could get) and hey- i was accepted. w00t.

so much good came from it too. being able to go through the summer teaching program and student teaching helped me feel way better about myself- not really cause of anything i did, though. i got to work with kids who just decided that they liked me from the start. kids who, despite having a disability that makes it harder to think, went ahead and learned my name anyways. they liked me just cause i was there to help them. they didn't judge me. heck, they don't judge anyone- and i don't know if that process even crosses their minds.

it does a lot for an insecure dorky dorkwad like me.

but heck, i saw plenty of good happening before we got to teaching. every time we had a big assignment or project due, everyone made sure to help each other out. i may poke fun at how my cohort friends would freak out with every project, but that wave of panic was always quickly followed by them coming together and helping each other figure it out.

putting school aside though, they cared about each other lives when homework wasn't due. they remembered each others' birthdays. they'd scream like little schoolgirls for each other whenever someone got engaged. and then go to the weddings- sometimes that even meant travelling out of state. they became friends and hung out with each other (well, some of them anyways ^.^ )

and heck, they'd go out of their way to be nice to me and do things that they really didn't have to. whether it was one of MANY carpools where i got to vent about girls or whatever i was mad at at the time. or just talk about silly things like the aquabats or how i like the same nintendo games as their 12 year old brother. or however many times i didn't have to walk home alone, even though i'd pretend that i wanted to.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm happy that i've found something that can put my heart into. i'm happy about what i've studied and what i'm going to do with my life. and i'm grateful for the people that i've met along the way.

and its not just the people in my major. i've made plenty of friends who go out of their way to care. like roommates who get me apple juice on a day that i'm hating life. or friends who stand up for me knowing that i'll probably get mad at them for it. or brothers who talk to me when i'm feeling like crap and remember to check a few days later to still if i'm still good.

if the one of the greatest commandments is for us to love each other, i'd say we're actually doing a pretty good job at it. sure, we're human, we judge, we hate, we do stupid things, but i really don't think we're that bad at loving each other either. or being nice. or caring. or whatever it is. a lot of the things that i've mentioned people doing for me probably don't seem like that big of a deal, and probably didn't for the people who were helping me at the time. but it really makes a difference.

in the end i'm grateful for people who put their whole heart into caring and making other people happy.