be a MAN

i've been growing up... sort of. i mean i GUESS finishing college and getting a teaching license is pretty cool... ok, so i'm actually really happy about that. life can be pretty fun and pretty dang nice.

but now that i've (at least legally) been an adult for a while, i still keep wondering what it really means to be a grown up. you know, to be a MAN.

i mean, lets think about what it takes.. the speed of a coursing river? the force of a great typhoon? the strength of a raging fire? or perhaps the mystery and secrecy kept on the dark side of the moon..



well, to be honest, i don't really know what it takes. i try to think of some people i've looked up to-- seminary teachers, young men leaders, my student teaching mentor, my radical brothers and brother in law...




but of course it's my dad who takes the cake, hands down.

today's my dad's 65th birthday. well, it's SUPPOSED to be his 65th birthday. i guess i can't really legitimately say that he's 65 and i won't ever get to tease him for being old, but whatever.

i've never really felt like really ever needed another example beside him of manhood. for real. i guess he had a lot of practice before i was born, cause he's always been manly ever since i knew him.

and i'm not talking about manly like being RIPPED WITH AWESOME MUSCLES AND PECTORALS TO THE MAX or like manly like JUMPING OVER MOTORCYCLES ON A MOTORCYCLE WHILE SHOOTING STUFF or any of that junk (though dad was pretty good at being a buff guy).

i always think of him as like.. knowing how to do the important manly stuff. like never making it a question whether or not he loved my mom. or me. or my sister and brothers. he just acted in a way that the thought of him not loving his family could never even enter my mind. ever.

my earliest memory ever is when i had apparently been to a family's house in my ward for my parent's date night or something to that effect. i don't remember why i was there. i also don't remember falling asleep there, but i must have, cause the memory is of my being at that house, and then being in my crib with my dad asking my whether i wanted milk or orange juice to drink.

when i was a little kid i would usually wake up before everyone else in the house. i would wait in bed until i heard my dad get up, then run into the kitchen. he'd ask me what cereal i wanted and then would get if for me. he probably taught me how to pour cereal. i mean, even if he never actually taught taught me, i learned cause i watched him. silly little thing, right? whatever-- it's kept me from being hungry thousands of times

i remember exactly what i did the night before my parents found out something was wrong. i remember cause that kind of stuff just gets scorched into your memory whether you like it or not. i was in 8th grade and i had my two best friends over for the night. i could have been a long weekend or something, i don't remember. but my dad had us come with him to a hockey game. it was roller hockey and my older brother was playing. after the game my dad took us to get fast food.

and holy crap i'm so grateful he did that. but that's just how it was- it was important to Dad that he could be with his sons, so he takes me to support my brother doing something that he really loves.


here's some pictures.. i don't really have as many as i would like though

my dad and his older sister when he was a TOTALLY ADORABLE baby! my aunt just emailed this to us,  and i'm happy that she did

my sister (she's the oldest) when she was little and my dad when he was a young studmuffin (as opposed to a middle-aged studmuffin)

i overuse this picture, but i don't really care. it's my best picture with me and my dad, who  pretty much looks the same as i've ever known him to

someday i'll be a man. like a for real man, who cares about other people and helps and loves them like my dad. if i can be just a fraction like him then that's a really dang good life.

no sinking lures allowed

a few years back, right before i left home to come to BYU, i was talking at church with one of my seminary teachers who has inquired about my less than favorable dating circumstances. his advice was this:

well, there's a LOT of girls at BYU.. its time for you to go fishing!

...


huh.

just this month, while my roommate was on his flight from houston to provo, he sat by a man who also happened to be LDS. upon finding this out, the first thing this man asks my roommate was this:

so then, how's the wife hunt going?

...


huh.



now i don't know a whole lot about hunting or fishing, but i'm gonna spell out what i can figure anyways.

this may or may not be where my sources come from

i'll start with hunting:

from what i can understand, the hunter first must seclude himself within the bushes, trees, or otherwise natural things in the environment to avoid detection. the hunter wears camouflage to further his or her stealth. he then either waits for or runs after the prey. often, a hunter will wait by a river or stream, hoping to find an animal looking for a drink. the hunter then shoots and fatally wounds said animal. cool. great job, man.

the hunter takes the animal and gets it skinned to either sell the fur, keep it as a rug, or do whatever with it. he may take the meat for some tasty snacks later on. or he might just have some weirdo cut off the head so he can hand it on his wall. whatever he wants, really

and that is what i understand about hunting.


now on to fishing:

a fisher will put some bait on a hook and casts it out into the water. he waits for the fish to bite the bait, as fish are a little silly and don't usually notice the hook or understand that it's a threat. upon biting, the fisher then yanks the rod so that it pulls the hook through the fish's mouth, and reel the fish in. often, the fish is fighting for its dang life. once forced out of the water, the fish will pretty much suffocate and die. the fisher will then gut the fish, cut of its skin, and eat it, or have it plastered so he can hang it on his wall for all his smelly old man friends to see. that, or he'll make the fish sing cheesy songs to people who walk by. whatever he wants, really






now, thinking about what we do when hunting or fishing, it actually kind of scares me when we think about dating as "going fishing" or "hunting for the one." i mean, sometimes i feel like i have to trick a girl into spending time with me and then she's fighting me the whole time, trying to go back to her natural habitat.. but i don't really think that's how you develop a mutually dependent relationship. and i won't pretend like i know anything about dating.. but i don't think its really about stealth, deception, force, or fatal wounding.. nor do i think that the end goal is to eat the other person or show her off to all your friends.


and i get it- marriage is important. so important, in fact that its a covenant that we make with God in the temple. when you think about it that way, its kind of a big deal

unfortunately in our wonderful little happy valley i think we treat it way more like a social status or a really cool pokemon card (or whatever you kids are into these days). it's like we think more of people who are dating or married- they somehow have more value or they're more important.

i really blame our silly hunting/fishing mentality. we can all love the guy who shot the biggest dear or caught the heaviest fish.. but that aint really what it's about, now is it?

and i know that it's a metaphor. i just think its a really crappy one. hunting is all about what the HUNTER wants. fishing is all about what the FISHER wants. if dating was all about what the "HUNTER" wants then well.. that's just sad.



then again, what the heck do i know? probably nothing.. i don't have any dead fish or deer heads hanging on my wall  O.o

the pit of friendship

i like to look at the BYU memes page. i think it's funny. but holy crap, some people get so dang emotional on it. lately there have been a LOT of flame wars about this or that, people getting offended or annoyed or whatever. that's also pretty sad, but whatever.

recently there have been a lot of memes focused on frustration with our silly little dating culture here at BYU, and of course, angry boys and angry girls are commenting the crap out of them with their anger. from YEAH BRO THAT'S SO TRUE to angry 3-paragraph essays about why its still all guys' fault that they're shallow and dumb.

if there is one thing that i have learned about dating in the past couple of years-- from my own experiences, to watching others or listening to their advice, its that nobody knows what the heck they are doing. i'm serious! not even the married people really know what they're doing- they got it right once. so i laugh when they try to give me advice thinking that they know everything, cause apparently what you do will work if i do it, cause i'm just like you, what you did to get your wife to love you will totally work for me, cause i'm just like you and my wife will be just like your wife. 

i mean its all well-intended. but really we really just don't know what we're doing, and the great thing about it is that more likely than not, things work out anyways! they really do. its so weird... and awesome!

the thing i really want to talk about though is the dreaded, heated, and ever-complained about, ever-infamous friend zone. now before i go on i just wan to say that I KNOW THAT FEEL BRO. i understand what it's like to be attracted to someone and then have them tell you "no, but i still want to be friends." or "no, i don't like you, but i want to still spend time with you a develop a relationship with strong feelings and care for each other exceptfortheattractionpart." i know that it sucks, and it hurts, and that sometimes being put in the friend zone feels more like being thrown in a pit and being digested slowly for thousands of years.

boba fett? boba fett, where!?

now as much as i've complained about it, made fun of it, ragged on it, as much as i may hate it or whatever i have said about it-- i really don't thing the whole friend zone thing is as bad as we all might think it is.

OH MY GOSH SCOTT HOLY CRAP HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT

because, random angry person, i think most of what there is to hate doesn't come from the friend zone itself, but from the misconceptions that surround it- from the things that follow that, at least from what i have gathered, are things that people either do not understand or are not willing to understand.



to explain, i let me first start by describing a typical scott taylor friendzone situation. i'm sure nothing like this has ever happened to you.

1- SCOTT sees GIRL. SCOTT: 'oh. a girl. and a cute on at that!'
2- SCOTT asks GIRL out on date.
3- at some point, SCOTT likes GIRL. often too quickly for her liking. (an understandable plight for our young heroine).
4- it becomes apparent that SCOTT likes GIRL.
5- GIRL gets a little weirded out (again, understandable), and asks SCOTT if they can just be friends.

at this point, the our story becomes a choose your own adventure book!!

if SCOTT becomes friends with GIRL, turn to page 12

if SCOTT gives up chooses to retreat to the shadows to play zelda or otherwise move on, turn to page 63

while the second choice seems obviously like the wrong one, its reasons will become apparent soon enough.

anyways, we're gonna go to page 12 and then see what happens.

page 12: SCOTT becomes friends with GIRL.

1- SCOTT and GIRL are friends.

2- GIRL thinks that SCOTT no longer likes him because they're friends. SCOTT still likes GIRL but knows that he has to get over it. he wants to be her friend because she asked him to and it seems like the right thing to do.

3- SCOTT spends time with GIRL. he enjoys it cause she's a good friend and he still thinks she's cute, and kind of likes the adventurous feeling of keeping that hidden from her.

4- SCOTT continues to get to know GIRL. he starts liking her for better reasons than just cause she's pretty or cute. he likes her because she sees good in other people or is nice to everyone. or because she handles hard situations without complaining or loves God and respects everyone. SCOTT now sees GIRL as an amazing person, and not just another cute girl, though he still thinks that she's an incredibly cute girl.

5- GIRL still only sees SCOTT as that guy she likes to hang out with sometimes, or that guy she goes to school with, etc. 

6- holding in all these emotions is starting to do weird things to SCOTT. his stomach hurts when he spends time with GIRL or he gets very anxious. GIRL might wonder why he is acting weird or she might be totally oblivious.

NOW we get to choose our adventure again!

if SCOTT tells GIRL about his feelings, turn to page 24

if SCOTT stops hanging out with GIRL so in an attempt to balance his emotions, turn to page 55

if SCOTT goes insane and steps on a kitten, turn to page 107

again, i'm sure you've never been in this kind of a situation. i bet you couldn't ever put your name in place of SCOTT or GIRL and have it be something that actually happened to you. never ever ever. 

the problem i've seen with the friend zone- and we're ALL both the offenders AND the victims, is that often when we cast someone into the pit, we are also refusing to acknowledge their feelings about the situation. we say "hey! i don't like you, but lets be friends LOL!" the problem with that is we're going on our merry way like nothing ever happened between us and our "new friend!" 

the problem with the friend zone is NOT that we're trying to be friends with someone that we can't return feelings for. the problem is that we're taking a real person, a living, breathing, child of God with real feelings and emotions and we're saying, "oh. sorry, but your feelings aren't valid. we're friends and that's it."

its really, very, selfish of us to ask someone to be our friend, and then not even come to terms with the fact that they might- and probably do- still have feelings for us. that is the evil of the friend zone. getting rejected or dumped or whatever hurts enough as it is. let's not pour salt-infested lemon juice on the wounds by telling someone that we're going to care for them and who they are (cause that's that friends do after all), but then act like their feelings didn't ever exist or don't matter. as far as i'm concerned, THAT is the change we need to make.

let's face it- we're not going to be able to return the love for everyone who likes or loves us. in fact, you only get one person that it really works for. but we need to treat all the other people along the way like people, not like annoying little monsters who pop up out of nowhere to fight you. if you like someone, but he or she does not like you back, you DO NOT have to apologize for it, nor should you feel that you do! likewise, if you don't like someone back who likes you, you again DO NOT have to feel like there is something wrong with you. because there isn't something wrong with you, and there isn't something wrong with him or her either. but give this person their deserved dignity and don't pretend like he or she doesn't have feelings! 

i really do believe that when it's all said and done, we're going to be happy and we're going to laugh our faces off because we worried about this kind of stuff. and for some people, the friend zone really does work. some people really do become friends for however long and it works out. but sometimes it doesn't, and that doesn't make one person right or wrong or better or worse.

but i figure as long as we're here, we might as well do what we can not to make it any harder on each other than we have to.

keep it up. you're awesome. that princess (or your desired equivalent) really is in another castle. 

put your heart in it

the past couple of years have been really good. and also really weird. some things have really built my confidence and other things have pretty much torn it down.

anyone who has talked to me about dating or girls or that whole thing also knows that i've let a let of bitterness in my heart about it. to be blunt, i've had a fair share of back luck. and that's all i can really call it- i don't hate women, i don't think they're evil or stupid or any of that, its just been really back luck. sometimes i feel like whoever said that its easier after serving a mission was just trolling us. overall i feel like the whole dating thing (and maybe our somewhat crazy BYU culture) has hurt my confidence in girls and myself.

buuut i don't really care to say any more about that. i can rant on and on if i want to, but eh.. i don't want to.

what i DO want to rant about are the things that actually made the confidence improve. there have been many people and situations who have helped me with that.

i remember the first day i took a major-related class. it was actually a pre-req but the major was small enough that we all took it together anyways. i was basically meeting the 20-ish women that i'd be spending the next 2 years taking classes with (and that's really how it was, i was one of 2 dudes, but he didn't take that first class with us). anyways, this girl who ended up being my best friend from my cohort sits behind me and starts talking. we're talking about applying to the program (which was due in like a week or something) and she asked where i did my service hours at... and i was like.. uh... .. .. crap.



after the initial shock, applying to the program really wasn't the nightmare we all thought it was (i would laugh if i knew then how panicky my lovely sisters could get) and hey- i was accepted. w00t.

so much good came from it too. being able to go through the summer teaching program and student teaching helped me feel way better about myself- not really cause of anything i did, though. i got to work with kids who just decided that they liked me from the start. kids who, despite having a disability that makes it harder to think, went ahead and learned my name anyways. they liked me just cause i was there to help them. they didn't judge me. heck, they don't judge anyone- and i don't know if that process even crosses their minds.

it does a lot for an insecure dorky dorkwad like me.

but heck, i saw plenty of good happening before we got to teaching. every time we had a big assignment or project due, everyone made sure to help each other out. i may poke fun at how my cohort friends would freak out with every project, but that wave of panic was always quickly followed by them coming together and helping each other figure it out.

putting school aside though, they cared about each other lives when homework wasn't due. they remembered each others' birthdays. they'd scream like little schoolgirls for each other whenever someone got engaged. and then go to the weddings- sometimes that even meant travelling out of state. they became friends and hung out with each other (well, some of them anyways ^.^ )

and heck, they'd go out of their way to be nice to me and do things that they really didn't have to. whether it was one of MANY carpools where i got to vent about girls or whatever i was mad at at the time. or just talk about silly things like the aquabats or how i like the same nintendo games as their 12 year old brother. or however many times i didn't have to walk home alone, even though i'd pretend that i wanted to.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i'm happy that i've found something that can put my heart into. i'm happy about what i've studied and what i'm going to do with my life. and i'm grateful for the people that i've met along the way.

and its not just the people in my major. i've made plenty of friends who go out of their way to care. like roommates who get me apple juice on a day that i'm hating life. or friends who stand up for me knowing that i'll probably get mad at them for it. or brothers who talk to me when i'm feeling like crap and remember to check a few days later to still if i'm still good.

if the one of the greatest commandments is for us to love each other, i'd say we're actually doing a pretty good job at it. sure, we're human, we judge, we hate, we do stupid things, but i really don't think we're that bad at loving each other either. or being nice. or caring. or whatever it is. a lot of the things that i've mentioned people doing for me probably don't seem like that big of a deal, and probably didn't for the people who were helping me at the time. but it really makes a difference.

in the end i'm grateful for people who put their whole heart into caring and making other people happy.

hellloooooo nurse!

HELLOOOO, NURSE!

ok guys. who misses animaniacs? it was a great cartoon. funny, well-written, and even educational. animation at its best.


i remember how yakko and wakko would totally go crazy whenever they saw dr. sctrachnsniff's nurse. they'd do everything they could to smooth-talk her. its was pretty funny. they thought that nurse was so good-looking they even called ANY attractive lady a nurse. w00t.


for some reason i've always wanted to say that to a girl. i just think it would be really funny. though i'm kind of scared cause i don't think it will actually work. first off, girls might not get the reference (which really, that would be sad) and second, saying "helloooo nurse" is basically the same as calling a girl hot, which, from what i gather is not generally appreciated. and i don't blame them, cause calling a girl hot is basically telling them that they're only attractive physically and there isn't anything else about them that's worth mentioning.

however the biggest reason why i've never tried is cause i have an extremely hard time giving girls compliments. now there's plenty of reasons-- i'm simply bad at talking to them, its nerve-wracking, but the reason that i find the most disturbing is that they tend to make me feel stupid for complimenting them.

i don't know why, but often when i've tried telling a lady-type that she is pretty or cute or that i like something about her (or just like her) i get strange responses, ranging from "ummm," to "eww, why would you think that," or "i just don't know what you see in me." its weird cause i shouldn't have to feel like apologizing for seeing something good in someone else.

now it may be discomforting to get a compliment like that when she doesn't really like me, and that's fine. that happens. its part of life.

but sometimes i think we get it all mixed up. we want to be humble, cause people like that. people think humble guys and humble girls are the real deal. so when we get a compliment we're like-- "nah, man. nonono, that can't be true." so we try to make people think we're being humble, but in reality, we're just shooting them down for complimenting us, and that makes them feel silly.

its kinda like this. let's say we play smash bros and i beat you. (oops, now i'm being full of myself). but let's say it happens and you want to be nice so you're like, "man, Scott, you're really good at this game." and then i say something like, "noo, i'm really not. i kind of suck at it."

we'll you're gonna feel silly for trying to compliment my skills, and you'll feel lame for being beaten by a guy who sucks.

i know that's a silly example, so i'll give another that on of my mission presidents once told me.

he said that Elder Holland came to one of the stakes and gave some good talks/lessons. he went and told Elder Holland how much he enjoyed the talk. Elder Holland said something like "Thank you, I really worked hard on it," or something to that effect. that made my mission president feel good for complimenting him.

now if Elder Holland was like, "nooo, that talk? i made that in like 5 minutes. it wasn't very good. i had to make most of it up," my mission president would have probably felt dumb for complimenting him. sure, he might think Elder Holland is amazing for giving such a great talk on no preparation, but that really wouldn't be a very humble thing for him to say. instead, he said thanks. he made someone feel good for complimenting him.



there was one time where i went to one of those cheesy church dances. there was a girl there and i liked her quite a bit, and she probably knew it. at this point she didn't feel the same, which is totally fine. anyways, i got up the bravery from within my guts to man up and ask her to dance, said said yes. well, this was a girl who i thought was quite pretty and i thought she was looking particularly lovely on this occasion. i really wanted to tell her that, but at this point my nerves and stomach were refusing to cooperate. it was pretty great. the good thing is i managed to get the words out regardless of the betrayal of my internal organs.

now she could have said a lot of different things at this point. she could have been like "uhhh," or "why do you think that?" i don't know if she was aware that it took a lot for me to compliment her, and i don't know if it made her uncomfortable or not. but she didn't shoot down what i said, make me feel dumb, or pretend to be humble. she said "thank you." i think she even hugged me. but that was it. she didn't make a big deal out of it or anything, but she said thanks- accepted that i had something nice to say about her. and that's really the humble thing to do, she made me feel good for saying nice things. it did a lot for a nervous, insecure guy like me.



i think for the most part we want to be humble and nice to each other. we want to find something nice to say to someone who may be feeling insecure or not very confident. but maybe they're the ones complimenting us. it goes far if we say thanks. if we appreciate what they do. i think that's closer to being humble. its making other people feel good about themselves. and then we feel good too cause we're nice.. at least that's how i figure it works.

the eggplant wizard

is SUCH a poser. seriously

the reset button

battletoads is widely considered to be one of, if not the hardest video game of all time. the third level alone will have most players rage-quitting or throwing their controller across the room. if you somehow survive, you then have yet another impossibly difficult level to memorize-- because the game doesn't save. if you decide to bring a friend along, you better stay on opposite sides of the screen, otherwise you'll probably end up pummeling him to death by accident-- because the programmers decided to leave out the option to have your attacks not hurt each other. even if you could your way through all the levels, bad guys, and speed hazards, you'd get flattened by the clinger-winger. no question about it.

don't fall in the ball pit. we're not at mcdonalds

playing battletoads gives the reset button more attention than it should ever deserve. die on the first level? reset. get sick of the jet bikes? reset. snake drop you like its hot? reset. give your ally the big bad boot by mistake? reset. the concept is simple. hit the reset button, and start over. every stupid mistake, every cheat you use, every life you lost; its gone, forgotten, done with. you're back at the start as if nothing happened, and you're welcome to go on your merry way until your next inevitable failure. cause the game just can't be beat.


i kind of feel sometimes that life is like playing battletoads. it is impossibly hard to beat, and quite simply, it won't be done. and mistakes will be made all through the way. but instead of crashing my jet bike into a wall, i may waste time doing stupid things. instead of forgetting to jump at just the right time, i may forget to read scriptures or pray from my heart. i might not be kicking my fellow toad off the screen, but i'll probably say something stupid that hurts a friend, or neglect the people i care about.



at the end of the day, mistakes readily in mind, and with the game all over, i may not want to take the option to continue. i might not want to go forward and keep pushing. sometimes i just want to hit reset and start over. take it all back. but this time i won't say stupid things. this time i'll remember to love people. this time i'll do better.








we won't ever be able to start over in the sense that we go back to where we started and magically nothing ever happened. but we can try again. we can start over. we can repent, we can change, and all those stupid things we do won't be held against us.

God doesn't need us to repent. He doesn't. it won't change who He is, it won't take away His power. but we need it. repentance is for us. we need it, and we need it sooner than later.

yes, we are warned that if we don't repent, we'll be thrown into a lake of fire. that's motivating for some people. yes, we're told about people who didn't repent, who were trampled or struck down by God. that's motivating for some people. but the Lord's invitation to repent isn't coming from an aggressive, angry dictator.

it has been said that "He sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent, and I will receive you."

He has invited "all to come unto Him and partake of His goodness; and He denieth none that come unto Him, black and white, bond and free, male and female."

He says "Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls," and asks us, "will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you?"

this does not sound like Someone who is itching to throw us into a pit of fire. His motivation is for us to be happy. He does not want us to carry the pain we put on ourselves in life. that is why we need repentance. that is why we need Him to change us.

Christ made repentance possible. because of Him we can repent. because of Him we can change. and because of Him, we can forgive each other, we can be forgiven, and we can forgive ourselves.

For "He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for He loveth the world, even that He layeth down His own life that He may draw all men unto Him." (2 Nephi 26:24)





(Other scriptures quoted- Alma 5:33, 2 Nephi 26:33, Matthew 11:29, 3 Nephi 9:13)