becoming a menace

as i grow closer to hitting the detested menace to society age, i have noticed that the universe continues to fight back with unsolicited dating advice, pressure, and everyone and their mom trying to set me up with girls who they know (which i'm not complaining about.... yet). with less than a month left to be a good, regular member of society, i've been reflecting on the choices i've made that have been slowly turning me from a good, somewhat productive guy into the kind of scum Batman beats off the streets with his fists.

which is actually kind of hypocritical when you think about it

so to help you guys out, i thought i'd outline my fool-proof, 100% effective steps to becoming a menace to society, so you can easily avoid going down the path of darkness (or follow it for all i care). i guarantee results, cause i mean, if it works for me, it'l work for everyone else, right? so here it goes- here's some of my top reasons why i think i've become a menace to society:

dating for the wrong reasons

it hit me that i've been asking girls out and dating them for all the wrong reasons. dating people to show interest, get to know them, or just spend time with someone you like are surefire ways to fail and start your transformation into the Joker. don't do it.

what i should have been doing is what all the successful missionaries do- and that is get good, high numbers (actually, my first mistake was not comparing dating to missionary work enough). i mean what did all the most successful missionaries have in common? high numbers. tons of lessons taught. lot's of people with baptism dates and tons of baptisms. dating, like missionary work, takes faith, and the best measures of faith are the outward results that everyone else can see. 

so in conclusion: date for the right reasons- which is being able to tell others how many dates you've been on this week, how many progressing relationships you have, and how many people you have a marriage commitment from. it's bound to work itself out from there. 

dating the wrong people

i've also noticed that i've been dating all the wrong people. i've been going after girls who i like, who i am attracted to, who might be interested in me, or who are just so dang nice you have no choice but to like them. obviously, since it hasn't been working, then i must be doing it wrong, and you shouldn't do it either. 

well who is the right kind of people, then? probably freshmen. freshmen girls are always dating someone. so if you aren't dating freshmen girls, you should be, or for the girls out there, simply be a freshman girl.

it's waiting to be robbed. just do it already.

not taking married friends' advice

your friends who are married usually have pretty good advice when it comes to dating, and rightfully so. i mean they are married, after all. forget any past failures they had or how many crappy relationships they had to trudge through, they got it right one time, and that's all you need to be an expert on something. they totally know what they're talking about. 

so of course, i've got it wrong when i haven't been listening to the things that worked for my friends and their spouses, since what worked for them will 100% work for me. stuff like "you gotta be persistent," and "don't go too fast or anything. just be friends," are words to live by. don't go by your own feelings or ideas or anything, cause those gut feelings didn't get your friends married, now did they?

don't be too straightforward

absolutely never tell someone if you like them. this isn't junior high, people! you can't just tell someone you like them or think they're cute and have it not be a big deal! we're adults now! we have to remember that being liked or complimented is a terrifying experience, and honest, straightforward communication is the wrong way to go. know a person at church or in class that you think is cute? better not tell them. have special person you've been friends with for a long time and are crazy about? don't even think about saying your feelings. communicating your feelings should be sketchy, mysterious, and confusing at the very best. 

what i should have been doing is playing more mind games. be really friendly to a person, and then purposely go out of your way to ignore them- and none of that being busy and forgetful stuff, i mean straight up avoidance! or you should only communicate through texting- and be sure that the tone of your messages are near impossible to figure out. if you do slip up and stoop to complimenting, just overdue it, and flirt like crazy with the person. keep flirting and flirting, but then never ask them out- this should balance out for the perfect mind game and then you're in the clear.

mind games. this guy knows. 

well i hope you find my advice useful. if you just avoid the steps i've taken, you'll be well on your way to a non-menacing, productive, happy member of society lifestyle! it's too late for me, but hopefully you can be spared :)

random encounters

one of my favorite genres of video games is the RPG, (role-playing game) which is more or less plot and character-driven game, which a heavy focus on building your characters- as in developing said character's abilities and items and other stuff that makes them cool. most RPGs are set in a fantasy-type world with fantasy-type characters accomplishing a fantasy-type quest. there's variations, but that's the very very basics.

many (if not most) RPGs, especially the older ones, are plagued with an annoying occurrence known as the random encounter. the premise of the random encounter goes as follows: you're walking outside, having a good time, much like this guy here ---->



so you're walking along, having fun when all of the sudden----

the screen flashes, goes dark, and you and your group of friends are standing before a group of monsters who are ready to fight you. your choices are usually pretty simple: you beat the monsters up, burn them with magic (or use it to help your team), use an item, or run away. sometimes fighting the monsters is worth the trouble because they give experience (which makes your characters stronger), and sometimes running away is a good option because they're either not worth the time or they could kill if you if you fought.





while the Final Fantasy series is notorious for its random encounters, most other traditional RPGs have them too. some games like Pokemon will confine random encounters to certain areas, like the tall grass or caves- though anyone who's played Pokemon up to Mt. Moon will know just how annoying a random encounter is when you find another dang wild zubat appearing in front of you face for the 100th time... make that the 101th time. other RPGs will-- gosh, is that ANOTHER freaking zubat!?-- try to justify random encounters by making little-- oh GOSH another zubat-- enemies for you to walk up to on the map screen before going to the fight screen to-- come ON! i used a super repel for crying out loud!-- beat the bad guys up, and then-- HOLY CRAP, I GET IT, THIS CAVE IS FULL OF ZUBATS!!!

there is a monster who i would like to talk about who is a beast that we must all fight many times throughout life. the beast is called anxiety. we've all fought it. we've all probably tried to run away, wish that we could destroy it with magic, or use an item to get it off. but we've all dealt with it in some way at some point.

we all have reasons to be anxious. school, work, church, friends, family, pretty much anything we care about will probably give us some anxiety at some point. stress is pretty normal, and a lot of the time it can be pretty good, as it pushes us to do what we care about.

but i'm going to talk about the more annoying, more trollish, zubat-like anxiety that comes up for no reason. the kind that is basically like a random encounter with a bunch of stupid monsters-- you're moving along with life, things are good, and then boom. you're fighting a pack of trolls that were literally not there a second ago.

this kind of anxiety can manifest itself however and whenever the heck it wants, and it will probably do it in the most annoying way possible. it can be physical, it can be emotional, it can be both of those. some people feel intense panic or embarrassment, even when things are going well and nothing's wrong. you might feel your fears increase and go nuts in your head.

 for me, it feels like someone is clenching my stomach with their fist and won't let it go. when it decides to show up, it usually hangs around for the rest of the day. or week. or month. on a better day, it's just a stomach ache. on a bad day, the stomach convinces my mind to turn against me and try to obsess about reasons why i'm feeling like crap. fears may get intense. positive emotions can get very very suppressed. it can go on and off for long amounts of time, and i'm sure many others have dealt with the same crap

i've named my anxiety my troll stomach, because that's really all that it is. a troll. a more or less useless feeling that only tries to annoy. i could be driving to work, and it's all like--

HEY. CHECK IT OUT I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BAD DAY, BRO! LETSHAVE A BAD DAY! :3







or i could be on an enjoyable date with a woman i might actually like, and my "friend" comes in all like---

HEY. WHUUTZZZ UP? SHE'S NICE. TOO NICE FOR YOU LOLOLOL!!! BUT SERIOUSLY, YOU SHULD BE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME NOW. CAN I COME NEXT TIME YOU TALK TO HER? BY THE WAY I'M NOT LEAVING XD





or i could be trying to have a good experience in the temple, when... you guessed it---

HEY. WHAT'S THIS PLACE? YOU SHOULD LEAVE AND HANG OUT WITH ME. CAUSE REALLY, YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE HERE. LOLZ ;) BUTSERIOUSLY, IF YOU STAY I'LL MAKE IT A PAIN FOR YOU






while i'm in no way an expert or professional on the subject, i hope that i can say a few things that might help you or someone you love fight the troll that is anxiety.


first off, anxiety is not a sin. is you have random, stupid, trolling anxiety, you are not bad, you are not evil, and you are not weak. the difficulty is that we often associate feelings or anxiety with guilt, often because when we do mess up and feel bad or guilt, it can cause stress. when we make things right, this stress usually goes away. for the most part, when you do something wrong, you know it. you don't need a terrible feeling to tell you.

if you need to get help, that's ok. there's nothing wrong with it. people might judge, but they don't know anything anyways. it's good to get help from people you trust- friends, family, professionals, anyone who wants to help. there's nothing weak about asking for help- the whole core of what we believe and why we are here is the Savior-- that we need Him to get through this and get back to God. we need Him to help us, and there is no shame in asking him. similarly, there's no shame in asking for help with the problems you fight in life.

next, try to learn the difference between your feelings. this can be very hard, as anxiety might suppress everything else you feel. but that doesn't mean you still don't have emotions, cares, worries, and feelings that are genuine and real. when you do something that you know is wrong, pay attention to what leads you back in the right way-- and it's not going to be the anxiety. when you do something enjoyable or just plain nice, pay attention to what things override the troll. with some practice, you can find what things help lower anxiety, what makes you actually feel good, and the difference between the anxiety and other less than fun emotions like sadness or anger.

if nothing else, know that God has your back no matter what. He really does love you and really does care about you. He's shown me that over and over the last few months, despite my troll-stomach being stronger than usual. learn how He talks to you. the way He speaks with you is for you and no one else. be brave and follow what He might ask you to do. if you feel the urge to do something good, something nice for another person, show faith in any way, follow it- and it will often lead to feeling the Spirit, feeling good, and kicking out the troll- even if only for a short time. when you see or feel a blessing from Him, remember it during the hard times when satan tries to sucker-punch your feelings with the troll.





for all my friends who have suffered from or helped me or others in the fight with anxiety-- you are awesome and incredible people. you are like the warriors in my stupid RPGs that crush monsters and save the world. your faith and love are much stronger than you probably give yourself credit for, and i am confident that God is happy with you when you act this way. keep it up. it makes a real difference. :)