becoming a menace

as i grow closer to hitting the detested menace to society age, i have noticed that the universe continues to fight back with unsolicited dating advice, pressure, and everyone and their mom trying to set me up with girls who they know (which i'm not complaining about.... yet). with less than a month left to be a good, regular member of society, i've been reflecting on the choices i've made that have been slowly turning me from a good, somewhat productive guy into the kind of scum Batman beats off the streets with his fists.

which is actually kind of hypocritical when you think about it

so to help you guys out, i thought i'd outline my fool-proof, 100% effective steps to becoming a menace to society, so you can easily avoid going down the path of darkness (or follow it for all i care). i guarantee results, cause i mean, if it works for me, it'l work for everyone else, right? so here it goes- here's some of my top reasons why i think i've become a menace to society:

dating for the wrong reasons

it hit me that i've been asking girls out and dating them for all the wrong reasons. dating people to show interest, get to know them, or just spend time with someone you like are surefire ways to fail and start your transformation into the Joker. don't do it.

what i should have been doing is what all the successful missionaries do- and that is get good, high numbers (actually, my first mistake was not comparing dating to missionary work enough). i mean what did all the most successful missionaries have in common? high numbers. tons of lessons taught. lot's of people with baptism dates and tons of baptisms. dating, like missionary work, takes faith, and the best measures of faith are the outward results that everyone else can see. 

so in conclusion: date for the right reasons- which is being able to tell others how many dates you've been on this week, how many progressing relationships you have, and how many people you have a marriage commitment from. it's bound to work itself out from there. 

dating the wrong people

i've also noticed that i've been dating all the wrong people. i've been going after girls who i like, who i am attracted to, who might be interested in me, or who are just so dang nice you have no choice but to like them. obviously, since it hasn't been working, then i must be doing it wrong, and you shouldn't do it either. 

well who is the right kind of people, then? probably freshmen. freshmen girls are always dating someone. so if you aren't dating freshmen girls, you should be, or for the girls out there, simply be a freshman girl.

it's waiting to be robbed. just do it already.

not taking married friends' advice

your friends who are married usually have pretty good advice when it comes to dating, and rightfully so. i mean they are married, after all. forget any past failures they had or how many crappy relationships they had to trudge through, they got it right one time, and that's all you need to be an expert on something. they totally know what they're talking about. 

so of course, i've got it wrong when i haven't been listening to the things that worked for my friends and their spouses, since what worked for them will 100% work for me. stuff like "you gotta be persistent," and "don't go too fast or anything. just be friends," are words to live by. don't go by your own feelings or ideas or anything, cause those gut feelings didn't get your friends married, now did they?

don't be too straightforward

absolutely never tell someone if you like them. this isn't junior high, people! you can't just tell someone you like them or think they're cute and have it not be a big deal! we're adults now! we have to remember that being liked or complimented is a terrifying experience, and honest, straightforward communication is the wrong way to go. know a person at church or in class that you think is cute? better not tell them. have special person you've been friends with for a long time and are crazy about? don't even think about saying your feelings. communicating your feelings should be sketchy, mysterious, and confusing at the very best. 

what i should have been doing is playing more mind games. be really friendly to a person, and then purposely go out of your way to ignore them- and none of that being busy and forgetful stuff, i mean straight up avoidance! or you should only communicate through texting- and be sure that the tone of your messages are near impossible to figure out. if you do slip up and stoop to complimenting, just overdue it, and flirt like crazy with the person. keep flirting and flirting, but then never ask them out- this should balance out for the perfect mind game and then you're in the clear.

mind games. this guy knows. 

well i hope you find my advice useful. if you just avoid the steps i've taken, you'll be well on your way to a non-menacing, productive, happy member of society lifestyle! it's too late for me, but hopefully you can be spared :)