mascot mayhem

let's go back to he 1900's.  things were better then and everything was awesome.  even me.  the 90's was totally the time to be alive.  the super nintendo and n64 we birthed.  pokemon and super smash bros bombed this world with all their glory.  tv didn't suck, cause it had shows like doug, power rangers, dexter's labratory, and bruno the kid.  toonami was hosted by moltar instead of that dumb robot, and had shows like voltron.  yeah.  those were the days.  school was fun, girls were gross, and catching mewtwo was regarded as an esteemed accomplishment. 

however, this story starts even before these things.  dexter hadn't made his debut and pokemon wasn't even a though in my mind.  we're talking like, 94 or 95.  i was 5 or 6 or something. 

i'm talking about my first of my very limited athletic experiences.  it was t-ball.  or is it teeball?  i don't know, and it doesn't really matter.  it was t-ball cause when i was 5, thats what it was.

we were the Giants.  a great name for a great team.  i remember very little about it, other than that our team was more orange than black, and was apparently coached by two of my older sister's high school friends, or just dudes that she knew and thought were losers.  i can't remember which. 

however, one game stands out above all the rest.  it was another game like always.  we, the Giants, went on to face our opponents: the Banana Slugs.  wait... Banana Slugs? even my 5 year old mind wasn't threatened. 

i mean come on, man!  we were the Giants!  do you know what a giant is?  a really, really, really big person.  who can step on you. easily.  you'd die.

do you know what a banana slug is?  this.  this is a banana slug. 

Something tells me that this guy doesn't have a date this weekend.

why on earth would anyone want to name their team after this and call themselves one?  let's look at some of the qualities of said banana slug:

1. it is slow.
2. it is weak.
3. it is ugly.
4. it is slimy.
5. it can be stepped on by giants and non-giants alike.
6. it is weak against salt.  
7. it probably doesn't have any friends.
8. i don't think that that is a face even its mother could love.

during the game, i remember hearing one of the coaches yell out, "do the banana slug!!" and what do i see?  all these kids who were on base get on their stomachs and like.. try to be a slug or something.  i don't see the strategic importance of such a move.. other than that maybe it was meant to distract the opposing team of 5 year olds.  in which case, it worked. 

what should have happened next was that our coaches should have been like "Do the GIANT!" and we would like step on all the kids trying to be slugs.  but it didn't happen.  whatever.

what i don't understand is what drives some teams to name themselves and their mascots after useless beasts, such as banana slugs.  whats the point?  are you saying that your team is ugly, slow, weak, and destroyable?  are you trying to make the other team feel less awesome when they beat you, because all they beat were a bunch of invertebrates?

sometimes mascot names just don't totally make sense.  when driving by a high school in orem, i saw that they called themselves the "bruins."  i think bruin is one of the more confusing mascot names.  i mean, i've heard of schools calling themselves bruins, and never really knew what that was until i saw UCLA's mascot and was like oh.  its a bear.  why not just call yourselves the bears then?  if you're going to name your team after the mightiest of woodland creatures, you should at least go with the name that everyone is familiar with.  its not like when you go camping, the ranger guy tells you to keep your food safe and watch out for wild bruins in the area.  if i woke up in my tent one night and someone was like "EVERYONE RUN, ITS A BRUIN!" i wouldn't feel all that threatened.  but if you run the same sentence over using "BEAR!" instead of "BRUIN!" i would probably poop myself.

at other times, a team's mascot doesn't even go with its name.  take U of alabama for example. i can imagine their thought process going something like this:

"well, guys, we need a name for our team."
"hmm, well our color is gonna be red, how about the roses?"
"are you freaking kidding me? we may as well be the banana slugs!"
"ok, fine.. how about.. the red wave?"
"hmmm crimson wave sounds better.  or even crimson tide"
"wonderful... but how will we make a mascot out of that?"
"you're right.  how about we just make it a really pissed off looking elephant?"
"an elephant? what does that have to do with red tidepools?"
"nothing, but anyone who questions the logic of it would have to deal with an angry elephant.  and no one wants to get stepped on by an angry elephant."
"excellent."

as much as it doesn't make sense, i can't help but respect that.  a name like crimson tide implies that a huge wave of ambiguous red force will come to engulf your team, and if that doesn't get you, the pissed of looking elephant sure as heck will. 

if your team has to add adjectives in front of its name to make it sound cooler, such as "fighting chickens," or "mighty ducks," you may need to rethink your team name.  chickens are lame enough on their own, and making them fighting chickens still isn't gonna make them able to stand up against something like a pterodactyl or a shark. 

however, if adding adjectives makes an already cool name/mascot even better, then go for it.  no one wants to stand up against an angry elephant or a flying bear.  those are some pretty dang powerful forces of nature.

unfortunately, this doesn't really seem to stick with people, since i continue to play kickball with my ward team, who insists on calling ourselves the "woodchucks." yeah, great.  a furry little guinea pig wannabe who may or may not be able to chuck would.  that is so much more threatening that a mighty bear flying towards you with the speed of a commercial airline. 

Seriously.  which one of these looks the most threatening?  oh, you're right.  i'd rather fight a bruin. 

ok, so maybe all yall don't want to go for the fierceness factor in your mascots.  maybe you're going for something cute.  or laugh your opponents into submission with your name.  in that case, go right ahead.  call yourselves the woodchucks.  or the fighting chickens.  or the dodgers. 

but if you really want to go for the cuteness factor, then you should call your team the babies.  really.  what's cuter than a baby?  that's what i thought.  it also has a great factor of messing with the other team's mind.  if they lose to you, then everyone will be like, "you lost to a bunch of babies?  wow.  just wow."  or if they win, then people will be kind of offended and say something like, "what the crap?  you beat a bunch of babies!?  you are terrible, terrible people."

so no matter what you win.  even when you lose.