if i had superpowers

when i was a little kid, i wanted to be the hero who would save the day and make everything awesome and stuff.  i would probably have awesome superpowers or be really good at sword fighting or something.  my nephew does a pretty good job at reflecting what i could have been..

not a great quality picture... cause facebook didn't let me get the large size off my brother's profile.. whatever

oh wait.  never mind.  that isn't my nephew.  that is Super King.  my nephew's name is Phil, and he doesn't have anything to do with that guy.  duh.

many kids drop their hopes and dreams in order to try and be popular or whatever by the time they're in high school.  well.. that didn't really happen for me.  i still wanted to be a superhero.  in fact, my best friend Sean Morris and i made this joke about how we were superheroes.  then again maybe i kind of dragged him into it...

you see, it all started my freshman year of high school.  Sean Morris and i would carpool home.  next to his house was this vacant lot with tons of weeds and dirt and stuff, in addition to one of the coolest things i have ever seen in my life.

The Zebra Outhouse.

well, i don't totally remember how it all started, but basically, we decided that we were superheroes and we based our super-adventures out of the Zebra Outhouse.  we made a crappy website to document our adventures, and claimed our hometown under our jurisdiction, calling ourselves the Zebra Outhouse Superheroes.

there's the team.  me, my best friend, and a skeleton (or El Skeledonte, as we called him).  not pictured is my nephew, who was a baby at the time.  cause every superhero team is way better with a baby on it.

our adventures included hiding in trash cans to bother our friend Erica, throwing water balloons at people (only once), babysitting my nephew, buying push-ups after being denied ice cream, fighting concourses of ninjas too great to number, and thwarting the plans of our friend Louie who was an evil genius (mainly because he always like being the bad guy and cause he went to a private all guys school instead of ours).

well to build on the Zebra Outhouse Universe (and cause i was really bored sometimes) i started making crappy-quality MS paint comics of the Zebra Outhouse Superheroes.  the comics starred our superhero alter-egos: "The Gremlin" (a short little green gremlin guy with plunger power based on me) "Commanderwho" (an awkward panda-man based on Sean) and El Skeledonte as himself.  the superheroes had to deal with hordes of ninjas sent by an evil genius, to other things such as dealing with a rat problem or accidentally breaking the sun.  half of the time they were doing the bidding of the gigantic chicken king (based on another high school friend) who would either send them on adventures to save the world or make them do more trivial tasks like fixing his plumbing or getting him fast food (which always proved to be dangerous).

our senior year Sean and i made a flash cartoon in our digital media class that was totally based on the comics that i was making and the running joke we had all throughout high school.  we did all the animations and drawings, all the voices (except for the girl voice) and my brother made a soundtrack for us.  it was pretty rad.


well i got to college and you'd assume that i would have outgrown my desire to be a superhero by now.  then again, you'd also think i would have outgrown my love of pokemon, and that clearly hasn't happened either.

i often think about what it would be like if i had superpowers.  what would i have?  super strength?  fire breath?  laser vision?  sub-zero ice punches?  invisibility?  psychic powers?  flying?  a rock-like exterior?  fish talking abilities?

i pretty much think about it every day.  i think i've decided how it would go down.

first off, the ideal form of superheroism would actually take place in a cartoon universe.  seriously.  instead of having actual superpowers, i'd much rather just live in a cartoon world and abide by the laws of carton physics and just be awesome on top of that.  i could just call myself a superhero for fighting bad guys.

you see, you don't really need superpowers with cartoon physics.  in a cartoon world, i could run away super fast if i had to, be as strong as i need to be at times (yet very weak at other times), and i could pull any weapon of any sort out from behind my back at any time.  what's this? a horde of ninjas?  well, good thing i can pull out any of an assortment of plungers, mallets, maces, or pretty much anything i want!

another great thing about living in a cartoon world is that no matter how beat up i get, no matter how many ninjas pummel me to the ground, i wouldn't ever die!  sure, i may have some bandages on me for like.. the rest of the episode if that, but there's no way i could ever be killed.  heck, half the time it isn't even certain if i'm killing the ninjas themselves or if they're just being knocked out... either way they keep coming back to life anyways.  but i wouldn't ever die, and i wouldn't ever lose.  why?  cause you can't kill the main character, that's why!

well i have to be content with the fact that i'm not in a cartoon world, so i figure i have to have real superpowers instead.  sooo what would i choose?  well, after thinking long and hard about it, i have decided that there is only one perfect superpower for me:

MARINE COMMUNICATION!  i would love to talk with fish!  that would be the most epic thing ever!  the violent crime rampaging the ocean would cease to exist under my awesome reign! fish, whales, and dolphins alike would all finally be able to tell us their feelings and thoughts about things like.. surfing.. and plankton.

ok yeah.  i'm totally joking.  i would never pick the lamest superpower ever thought up of.

Sorry Aquaman. but even the Wonder Twins are more useful than you are.

no for real now.  if i had superpowers i would definitely want to be psychic.  lemme tell you why.

first off, i'm not buff.  my muscles are in no way imposing on... anything.  so even if i had super strength, i'm not sure if i'd even know how to fight with it.  but if i was psychic.. it would be easy.  bad guy points a gun at me?  i'd toss it out of his hand.  with my brain.  guy wants to try and tackle me?  ok, if you dont mind me levitating upwards so you jump and tackle the ground?  what's that?  missiles heading towards the earth?  no problem, i'll just send a telepathic message to Superman telling him what's up.  with my brain.

that's right.  i'd stop crime, save the world, and sweet talk the ambassador's daughter all while maintaining a mild-mannered alter-ego who doesn't do much other than poop himself at the sight of danger. 



well, thats what life would be like if i was more awesome.  but, i'll just have to deal with being normal old Scott.  it aint bad, but i certainly couldn't fight anyone anytime soon.  for now i'll just keep waiting for the day when i get zapped by lightning or get trapped in a radioactive explosion or touch some weird meteorite from space, giving me my awesome super-awesomeness.

of course, for all you know, it could have already happened by now.