dirtbags & dorkwads

ok, so im not gonna pretend that i'm a fan of chick flicks.  i can only think of three that i've seen all the way through (one of which i have vowed never to watch again) however, every time i end up watching one (or, usually part of one) i pretty much notice the same, boring, predictable tendencies.

step 1: hot guy meets cute girl.  check.
step 2: they're pretty much in love within like 10 minutes of the movie.  k, whatever.
step 3: every movie needs a conflict.  even chick flicks.  thus some kind of thing gets between them.  like, oh, social status differences, another man or woman, parent disapproval, or even good old world war 2.

"i'm sorry daughter, but he only makes 17 cents an hour at a lumber yard."

"but daddy, its loove!"

"i'm sorry, but i told him to bring you home by 11 and you didn't come in till 4.  i can't trust him."

"but daddy, its llooove!!"

step 4: big separation.  the parents have had enough of this hoolagin and decide to get their daughter away from him.  they may even move to another state or something.

next, they one-up the conflict.  this is where you can throw in anything from step 3 that wasn't there before.  the hot guy might spend his time foolin around with other women that he doesn't really care about cause he's still so heartbroken while the cute girl meets some other guy who's totally legit and awesome and a really nice guy and can probably shoot lazers from his eyes.  they might even get engaged.

then of course some twist of fate brings the two back together and they realize that they're in love and the cute girl ditches the other guy while she and her true love ride off into the sunset on a wild honeymoon stallion that her brother in law just got done taming for them.

aawwwww.

ok, so maybe i didn't rattle off the plot of every chick flick ever.  i may or may not have basically just stated the plot of the notebook.  which, by the way is the one which i've vowed never to watch again.  seriously.  i don't mind when a girl wants me to watch some chick movie with her but there's a point where i gotta put my foot down.  i even told my mom not to watch it.  she didn't listen, though.

however today i mainly want to focus on the other big chick flick tendency.  this one's a lot quicker to explain too.

totally awesome guy and totally cute girl are like totally BFFs.  or they're just pretty good friends.  it doesn't really matter.  so, totally cute girl has a boyfriend who is a total dirtbag and she complains to totally awesome guy about it all the time.  after they stretch out her complaining over a whole movie, she finally realizes that her boyfriend is a pile an she's totally in love with her friend-man who's probably off playing pokemon or something.  and of course he loves her the whole time cause he has the manliness to actually listen to her but he was too nice to tell her to dump the punk.  but he's waited the whole time anyways.. or something like that.

unless the movie involves sandra bullock.  then she and the guy hate each other's guts till the end of the movie.  and i'm not just talking about the movie that i may or may not have seen at jenns apartment.  its in other movies that i may or may not have also seen.  parts of.

so why is it that girls like to date the total punks and complain to the nice guys about it?  after thinking about it, i think i've got some answers..

first off, i don't believe that nice girls actually fall for bad guys.  people usually tend to go for people who are like.. on the same nice-level or whatever.  if a girl really is nice and awesome and respects herself (and good guys for that matter) then those bad guys don't have a chance.  once she figures out who he is, he's done.

Take Biff, for example.  Now everyone knew he was a turd all along.. but she still went for McFly cause she realized that he'd stand up for her.. even if that meant getting his arm broke.

which pretty much brings me to my next point.  typically, a guy isn't going to walk up to a girl and say something like, "hey.  i'm a total dirtbag.  let's make out."  it just doesn't happen.  sometimes it takes a little bit of time for a lady-type to figure out that a guy is a punk.  and there may be some initial attraction to the punks cause they're usually confident enough to ask the girls out and stuff.  nice guys sometimes have to fight their stomach and spleen just to ask a girl out.. so it may take the whole length of the movie to see how awesome he is.

i also think that for the most part, nice girls will date nice guys, but when it doesn't work out.. we tend to put each other in a negative light.  i know i've held on to some bitterness when girls have dumped me or turned me down.  it doesn't mean that they're bad or mean girls or anything.. but i make it sound that way cause i'm frustrated.

when you think about it, every relationship you have fails till you get married.  its kind of bleak but that doesn't make every person you date along the way a dirtbag.  the problem is when you get to the point where you know you gotta do some heartbreaking, there usually isn't much of a good way to do it.  you can either end it right then and there and look like a total punk, or you can drag it on trying to figure out how to do it nicely while slowly hurting them as well.  on top of that you know it would be wrong to keep it going cause it wouldn't be fair to them.  so you basically get shafted into making a dirtbag move no matter what, you just have to go with the least painful option.  and breaking up is enough to get anyone frustrated, which gives them a need to talk about it, and since you're kind of a villain at the moment, you're talked about as if you're a dirtbag, making the good people wonder why their friends are falling for punks, when, really, they're not, and after a while the dumpee is no longer angry with the dumper, but also is no longer frustrated and doesn't need to talk about it so they kind of forget to remind everyone that their dumper really is an awesome person and not a punk.

either that or the dumpee stays bitter and stalks the dumper for the rest of their life.

a word about stalkers.  at times i think that we may use the term too freely.  think about it this way.


case 1:
a girl calls a guy almost every day.  she texts him often and they're totally facebook friends.  the dude is hanging out with his bros.  he gets a call from the girl, looks down and frowns, and ignores the call. 

"whats wrong, bro?"
"oh.. it's just my stalker.  she'll probably call again later."

compare with case 2:
a girl calls a guy almost every day.  she texts him often and they're totally facebook friends.  the dude is hanging out with his bros.  he gets a call from the girl, looks down and smiles and starts going to the other room.

"what's wrong, bro?"
"oh, nothing's wrong.  its just my girlfriend.  she probably just wants to say hi, we haven't gotten to talk today yet.  i'm just gonna talk to her for a bit then i'll be back.  i'll call her again tonight."

wait, scott!  are you saying that a stalker and a girlfriend are the same?

yeah.  that's pretty much what i'm saying.  a stalker is someone who you don't like back.  if you did they would be your girl/boyfriend. don't believe me?  then lets take a good like at America's favorite stalker, none other than my much less than a good friend, edward!

Seriously, ladies.  Which one of these guys would you rather have following you around?  Never mind.  Don't answer that question.

now i dont really know that much about twilight.  all i know is that i never liked it from the moment i heard about it.  maybe its cause i first heard about it while talked to a girl i was dating and she was telling me how amazing edward was.  i was getting a little annoyed cause she's telling me about this fictional character while she had a real man to impress her!  its not like i was telling her how amazing princess zelda is.  i was happy enough to have a real girl think i'm awesome!

thus my perceptions of twilight have always been a bit skewed.  (the automatic spellcheck couldn't help me with that word.  thank you dictionary.com.)  from that introduction i have been at odds with edward, trying to steal the hearts of the ladies before he gets them.  let's face it though.  edward is a stalker.  he's creepy, he's weird, he likes to watch you sleep, and he wants to suck your blood.  and i don't care that he eats animals instead of humans.  i've been eating animals instead of humans my entire life and girls don't come running to me.  whatever, ladies, you can have him if you want.  just keep a can of garlic pringles in your cupboard just in case.

 oh, and, ladies, if a guy ever tells you that you're like his own personal brand of heroine... please, please, please PLEASE please please PLEase PLEASE please PLEASE get the living crap away from him!

anyways i'm done for now.  bottom line is, i love girls, especially the nice ones, and i don't really think that they fall for the jerks that often.  i'll even watch a chick flick if a girl asks me to.. with an exception of course.  i obviously could use more information about that genre.. and when it comes to stalkers... well, maybe they're just really nice people who care about us who are a lil awkward cause they spent way too much of their childhood playing pokemon.  whether or not we like them too, we can probably be a bit nicer to them.  unless they're vampires.

them lil things

Really, yall.  those real lil things you do makes a real real difference.  and its probably those things that seem so lil that you dont even know that you're doing it when you're doing it.  its kinda like this:

you're sitting at home bored and your best friend walks in unannounced because he wants to play mario party 2.  you totally win every time, but that's not the point.  the point is your best friend is over, and its awesome, and you still can't beat him at mecha marathon anyways.  and you still always look forward to the challenge of honeycomb havoc. 

or you're suffering in the absolute worst area of your mission and one day you get a package from your other best friend, containing the most epic pokemon shirt of all time and awesome lil pokemon figures.  he even took the time to pick out one of your favorites, like my good buddy, turtwig here.

                    awww.  look at that cute little guy.  i want to feed him a leaf.

a friend writes you a note and thanks you for being awesome.  well that's enough to make anyone's day.

another friend takes the time to talk to you just a few minutes about finals and stuff.  seroiusly.. it might seem silly but it goes a long way.

multiple ladies ask you to name off the several pokemon toys you got sitting on the table.  you name off makey, gengar, golem, primeape, sandshrew, sandslash, phanpy, and turtwig like its nothing.  they seem impressed.  you mention that you've got a poliwag in your car.  they probably have no idea what you're talking about, and they may not even care, but that's not the point.  the point is they're taking interest in something you like, even if its kind of silly. 

friends do nice things for each other, just cause that's how they are.  they follow the example of the Savior without really even thinking about it, cause they've just built it in to who they are.  they probably aint thinking too much of it, they just follow a prompting they may not know they have, and do a nice lil thing for a nice lil someone. 

and yeah, yall probably dont know it, but it goes real far.

let's be friends!!

its pretty much happened to all of us.  if not personally, we at least know someone who its happened to.  perhaps we have only seen it on TV, and if that is the case... well then that's just silly. 

things seem to be going great.  just wonderful.  but then you start to notice the changes.  you see, you've got your special someone.. but they start acting less and less special.  he or she starts acting weird around you, starts kind of getting distant.  you don't wanna bring it up though, cause maybe you're just going crazy.  maybe they're probably just having a bad day.  make that a bad week. add another bad week to that...

after a while its just unbearable.  either you take a stand for yourself and ask what's up.. or they finally man up and bring it up themselves.  you don't really want it to happen, but then it does.  the moment we've all be waiting for- your not-so-special-anymore someone plunges his or her hand into your chest like the creepy voodo guy in Temple of Doom and rips your heart out and then throws it into a blender.  its over.  its totally over.  and then, in an effort to not feel terrible about what they have done, your no-longer-special someone pours a little extra lemon juice into your gaping wound by uttering the timeless line, "maybe we can still be friends..."

friends!? after what you just did to me? you shake your fist in bitterness as your "friend" walks away, drinking a your heart flavored milkshake. 

of course, being friends with someone after breaking up isn't impossible.  it isn't exactly a piece of delicious Bobby Moulder cake either.  i guess once you get past the initial shock and get over your own bitterness then yeah.. its all good.  or something like that.  i'm not exactly BFF's with any of my ex ladyfriends, nor would i consider them enemies or anything. 

now putting that all aside, that's not really what i've been thinking about lately.. i haven't dumped anyone or been dumped in... oh, quite some time.  but the topic does relate to another funny thing that's been running through my mind as of late. 

imagine that your special-or-not-so-very-special-at-all friend and you are totally fine.  you're totally friends and everything's good.  then your friend goes and gets married. cool! awesome! your friend is totally happy and they are looking forward to an awesome life ahead of them.  but oh, by the way, you can't be friends with them anymore.  i dont really know how or when it exactly happens, but somewhere during the engagement or marriage process or something, they drop off the planet.  they're just gone.  and when you try to talk to them or something, they just pretend you aint real.  and then you feel like a punk cause its like they assume that you're hitting on them or something. 

and it doesn't even have to be someone you dated or wanted to.  its happened with plenty of my friendgirls who i never intended on dating.  yet its still the same.  heck, it even goes the same with my manfriends as well.  they go and get married and at some point fall off the planet.  boom. gone.  no more friend.  the only way to possibly get them back is to get married yourself.  then you're allowed to be friends with them again. 

scientists have been baffled as to why this happens.  no conclusion has been reached, however speculations have occurred.  obviously, if someone gets to the point where they're marrying someone, they've probably been spending pretty much all their time with that person, and not their other friends.  but does that warrant dropping all your other friends out of your life?

one of my friends who is engaged laments at the fact that her friends are starting to drop like flies.  the apparent cause is that these so-called friends are jealous of her position and have cut her off.  some friends, i say!  why wouldn't you be happy for your friends when they're clearly happy and good stuff's going for them?  i dont get jealous of my friends when good stuff happens to them!  i dont cut my friends off when they beat me at smash bros! (though i do let frustration get to me more often than i should). 

what i really think is that there's some sort of secret police force that enforces secret marriage laws.  you get warned about them when you get engaged, but you're so lovestruck and happy that you dont really think about it and really doubt that it would happen to you.  then, when you're married, that's it.  the laws are in place.  if you and your spouse are caught having single people over, they come and get you.  (and i'm not talking about cheating or foul play here. i'm just talking normal friendships with normal people).  its why married people can only hang out with married people.  otherwise they'll get you.

that's probably why married people are so dang obsessed with setting up all their single friends with each other.  they dont feel like they're better than us or that we're lame, they just want their friends back!  so what do they do?  they have a party, and invite all their single friends, hoping to get them to meet up and date or something.  anything to get their friends back.  but by then its too late.  their neighbors see the vast amount of single people coming to their house, and report the crime.  the marriage police come in and take the couple into custody for questioning. 
"but we were only trying to set our friends up with each other!" they plea during interrogation.
"hmmm.. alright, we'll just let you off with a warning.."

so there we have it.  our friends are really just under the oppression of a secret police force.  and until we overthrow them, we won't have our friends back.

and yeah, people, i know that there's boundaries and we can't be stupid.  any guy with a brain should know that he shouldn't hang out with a married woman and let dumb things happen.  i just think its funny that we even lose our bros to the marriage police. 

at least for now i can be assured that my beloved pokemon will never let me down.

wittle Fiona

I have one niece.  Her name is Fiona.  Here is a picture for yall to gawk at.

I know, right?  my older sister has is pretty talented when it comes to producing extremely cute children.  Fiona is no exception.

Today is Fiona's 3rd birthday.  though if you would have ever met her before today you probably would have already thought that she was 3.  like her momma, she is very very good at talking which can be pretty funny.  i mean, who wouldn't be impressed by a lil kid like her coming up to you and speaking in complete sentences?

my first memory involving Fiona actually occurred before she was born.  during the week break between  the summer and fall semesters, i would often go to my sister Mandy's house to chill out.  one day i was over there and Mandy said that she had just been to the doctors office and had passed out because she had a blood test. she then randomly says that she had the blood test cause she was pregnant.

i guess she told me so early on cause for some reason she thought that i would figure it out cause she went to get a blood test, to which i responded that pregnancy isn't a typical reason that would cross an 18-year old dude's mind for getting a blood test.

don't ask me why i remember this conversation.. i remember a lot of weird things.  i also remember that my sister told me when she was expecting her second son while i was burying my dead turtle.  yeah, i guess my brain is weird when it comes to selecting what is and is not important to store in the long term memory... but anyways, that was my first memory having to do with my niece so there you go..

later on we all found out that Mandy was gonna have a girl.  my mom's reaction was pretty funny.  it had been almost 30 years since a girl with Taylor blood was born and we all knew that my mom was pretty excited about it.  the funny thing about it though was that our family, especially (more like exclusively) myself had relentlessly teased my mom about the fact that she had wanted another girl so badly and how I had foiled her plans by being a man.  and that isn't to imply that my mom wasn't totally happy to have me instead of a daughter (cause i mean lets be real here, people, i'm awesome) but she just really wanted to have another lil girl in the family.  but because of my own sarcastic cruelty my mom pretended to be not all that excited about it.  i guess the moral of the story is: if you want your mom to be excited about your kids, don't tease her.  or something like that.  (but in all honesty, my mom is pretty much always excited about her grandbabies and is a really good grandmama.. so yeah)

anyways, months and months went by and one day i was sittin in the library studying and i got a call from my mom telling me that the baby was born.  yay!  then not too long later i got a call from my sister telling me and she was kinda bummed that she didn't get to tell me first, and i was pretty impressed that she was calling me so soon after having a child. 

so thus i had a new niece to add to my list of favorite people.  baby Fiona looked a lil something like this

aawwwww. 

during the summer after my freshman year, i decided to offer my sister/bro in law a day where i would watch the kids so they could go do something.  it was kind of a funny night.

so Mandy and Tom left and i think all the kids were already sleeping by that point.  so i didn't really have to do much except for stopping creepy people from entering the house.  then all the sudden lil Fiona starts crying.  now i wasn't a total noob at helping babies; i had watched her older brothers before and had gotten them to calm down and go to sleep when they was babies too.  i figured she'd be just as good.

well every time i picked her up she'd stop crying for a bit and go back to sleep.. but when i put her back in the crib she'd be crying real soon again.  this was combined with some shenanagins from her older brothers as well.  Her older brother Miles was coming out of the room pretty often telling me what his brother Philip was doing wrong.. "Philip is talking... Philip needs some water.. Philip is ruining my night!"  even lil Philip climbed out of his crib once.

overall i just thought i was funny.  i mean everyone's gotta have at least one babysitting experience where everything goes crazy.  and really.. after that Fiona hasn't given me any trouble.

soon after though i was separated from Fiona as i served as a missionary.  after getting home it took me like 2 weeks of pretty consistent hanging out at her house to finally get Fiona to like me and talk to me.  now we're like totally friends.  i wouldn't say we're total BFF's or anything (well all know uncle Matt is totally her favorite) but she's always real fun to be around.

Fiona's favorite colors are purple and pink.  she like to do pretty typical little girl stuff.  and she talks and talks and talks.  she also trips and runs into things pretty often.. but it doesn't really phase her.

so there yall have it.  that's my Niece.  cutest little girl i've met.  i used to be totally sure that i wanted my first child to be a son.  but after Fiona came along i aint so sure anymore.  it gives me hope though that Fiona and I are from the same family, cause then maybe i'll get some kids that are half as cute as she is.

just a lil bit more for yall to enjoy

                                totally awesome picture of Fiona and Mandy

                               pretty much the only picture of the two of us.

epic dreams

The image you see before you may appear as strange, or even blasphemous.  You have probably never seen anything like it before. In fact, i'm pretty sure you haven't because when i searched 'harry potter vs charizard' into google, i just found a bunch of picutres of charziard and like one of harry (proving the superiority of pokemon).  Anyways, the point that i'm trying to make is that somewhere deep within my subconscious i have already contemplated the possibility of and encounter between an epic wizard and the probably second most popular pokemon of all time.  I speak of of my epic dreams.

Ever since i was a little kid, i have always had trouble sleeping.  its an issue that i've pretty much gotten used to.  on a typical given night, it will usually take me between about 30 minutes to 2 hours of just lying there until i fall asleep.  even when i'm tired or sick.  weird.  the extra fun nights are when its even longer than that.. and the night i am happy for are when i just conk out in like 5 seconds.  but generally i'm not that lucky.

So, to compensate me for my inability to sleep, the Good Lord pretty much guaranteed me that i'm gonna be entertained for every dang minute that i can scrap together.   there is rarely a night where i don't have a dream.  that doesn't always mean that i'm gonna remember it by the end of the day, but i usually remember it for part of the morning and have something to chuckle at.  the more epic ones are memorized much longer.

the first dream that i remember having was when i was probably about 5, and it wasn't a good one.  i mainly remember running in the halls with some kids in my neighborhood away from some bad guy, who apparently would adopt kids and then throw them in the trash.  it doesn't make mush sense now (like they ever do when you're awake), but when i was 5 it was unsettling.

i often have dreams that end by my falling into water and being unable to move.  when i breathe in or open my eyes, i wake up.  i guess i'm a ground type if i can't swim..

i somewhat often dream that i'm back in high school (ick) and haven't gone to class like all year and i'm worried about failing.  but then i realize that i've already graduated and then i'm just wondering what the heck is going on.  then i wake up.

sometimes i can figure out that i am dreaming and wake myself up.  it isnt really easy though.  i have to do this thing, it doesn't really make sense cause i can only do it in dream life and not in real life.  its kinda like.. i gotta flex my brain muscles or something like that.  it kind of hurts my head, and it usually takes like 2 or 3 tries before it actually wakes me up.  i can also rewind my dreams if i don't like something that happened by doing the same brain-flexing thing.  though i usually wake up not long after a rewind.  i can also sometimes fly in my dreams, but i can't control it very well.

i have had some dreams that were centered on helping babies.  i remember one where i was on like a beach or a coast or something, and all these tidal waves came crashing on us and were pounding me against all these rocks.  it didn't even hurt.  so while myself and everyone was running to safety, i'm making my way out of the water and out of nowhere this baby just floats on the water being carried by the tied and floats into my right arm.  seconds later, i hand the baby over to his momma.  yeah.

there was a time where these monsters were going to come attack my neighborhood, and we had to protect this baby who had psychic powers.  so Sean Morris and i were going to my house to get shovels or pans or rakes or something to fight the monsters with.. but then i woke up before the epic throw down.  lame.

speaking of Sean Morris, he often makes cameo appearances or will co-star in a dream.  there's been at least two dreams where he has been shot, in one of which he was hardcore enough to steal the gun from the bad guy and shoot him back.

it is not uncommon for me to be playing nintendo in my dreams (its often Legend of Zelda) and at some point in the dream i end up actually doing whatever is inside the game.  in some non-related to video game-dreams i actually see people life/stats bar floating above their heads or just somewhere in my line of vision.

some dreams are just way too real.  by the time i was a senior in high school i had the early morning seminary system down.  wake up at like 5:40, roll outta bed, eat something maybe, and get picked up by my good friend at like 5:55 or whenever it was.  one morning i woke up at aboue 4:45 or 5:00, so i knew i could go back to sleep.  i then had a dream where i woke up and looked at my clock and it was like 2AM or something.  then i actually woke up again, this time it was about 5:05 or 5:10.  that morning i woke up several times and looked at my clock, while having several dreams where i woke up and looked at my clock.  real life kept getting closer and closer to 5:40, where in the dreams time jumped all over the place...

some dreams are just so epic that you remember the whole dang thing.  the most epic dream i ever had occurred while i was a freshman here at BYU.  i remember it so well.. probably because it was just an incredible experience.

so there i was, standing in the BYU bookstore, with harry potter to my left.  we were both looking at this calendar which had this orange black-hole vortexy looking thingy.  harry looks at me and says 'you ready?' and i'm like 'yeah.'  he jumps into the vortexy thing (harry always goes first, that thunder-stealing punk) and i jump in after him.  i was transported to this area that had like all these computerized purple mountain/hill looking terrain (the graphics were pretty good, probably like a better Nintendo 64 game).  down one of the hills there was the valley that had an amphitheater at the center of it.  just a few feet to the side of the amphitheater, i saw harry with his wand out, and he was battling a charizard.  i didn't have to think twice to know that i was beholding the greatest thing that man had ever seen.

however, i didn't have much time to enjoy the spectacle, because out of nowhere, a wild mewtwo appeared!  i knew i was in for some trouble.  however, i looked down at my belt and realized that i conveniently had two pokeballs at my waist.  'i know!' i thought to myself, 'i'll just send out tyranitar, it should be able to beat mewtwo no problem!' i throw one of the pokeballs, and whatever the heck emerged from it definitely wasn't a tyranitar; it wasn't even a pokemon.  nonetheless i commenced battle on my foe, by yelling out, "tyranitar, beat the crap out of it!"  i dont know what i was thinking, i would have had much more success if i told it to use an actual move, like crunch, earthquake, rock slide, or even leer for crying out loud... but you don't always think straight while your dreaming.  anyways, my pokemon (or not) just stood there and didn't do anything while mewtwo thrashed it.  "what the heck?" i thought, "why isn't it listening to me? i have all the badges..." (and yes, i actually thought that).  with my first pokemon gone, i throw out my last pokeball and all that pops out is this little red caterpillar/worm (and no, it wasnt a caterpie though even that would have been better), which mewtwo made short work of.  i knew at this point i was done.


with mewtwo closing in to claim me as his next victim, i wasn't sure what to do.  suddenly, Megaman X showed up and started blasting mewtwo with his arm cannon.  i even saw a boss power bar like in all Megaman games slowly getting lower and lower ans Megaman defeated mewtwo.  i cheered for the robot hero, who once again brought peace to the year 21XX

with all my enemies defeated, i saw that a crowd was gathering and sitting on the ground in front of the amphitheater, only with their backs to it.  i walked down and sat with them, and watched the ending credits roll through the night sky behind the mountains.  i woke up the happiest man on earth that day.

if Leonardo DiCaprio could inception his face into my dreams, i think he would probably have a ton of fun.  he could even charge people to come, like an amusement park.  that would have been way more legit that stealing from peoples minds... oh well..

people will always say that you should follow your dreams.  if i were to take that advice, i'd be one crazy dude.  i'd probably be always running around, trying to fly, while also helping babies and fighting evil with my best friend Sean Morris, on top of becoming a pokemon master while trying to develop a relationship with every girl that i've ever liked, along with turning in an entire year's worth of school work, and avoiding the person in my ward who murdered 2 people while following harry potter through magical portals.

follow my dreams, eh?  nah, that's crazy.  i'll just stay in college.

like, awkward, bro!

So I used to do the blogging thing when I was in high school.  It was a lot of fun.  I tried to make people laugh with it.  I even started posting my crappy MS paint comics on it.  Then, like, facebook came out or whatever and I was like, 'well I dont need this crap anymore,' and then I stopped. 

However, after reading my friends blogs and stuff (and having my sister mail me like her entire years worth of blogs while I was on a mission) I kind of wanted to try it out again.  I often have funny things pop into my head but then I have anyone around to tell it to.. then I forget.  But not anymore!  I can just write it down and publish it to the WHOLE WORLD.  So, I hope to make posts of funny things/observations that I have throughout my days.. and hopefully you can read and enjoy and maybe laugh off some stress or something. 

A note about myself: those of yall who know me probably also know that i am a rather sarcastic person.  This fact, combined with my deep manly manvoice (which my manly man grandpa passed down to me) and also the fact that i often forget to smile (seriously, people have to remind me regularly) causes some people to think that i'm one of those angry people.  It also doesn't help that when you're sarcastic across the cold harsh text that is read over the internet.. well you can come off angry or something.  The point being- I am very happy, but I'm also very sarcastic so I hope that I dont come off as some punk but that you laugh at what i make fun of.  or whatever.  I'm also starting to notice that i'm pretty bad at capitalizing my sentences and the letter "I" when i'm not writing an assignment.  To all yall english majors... sorry.  I aint always gonna fix it though.

And now, we get to the actual subject of todays post!  This has been inspired by a few things- one of my friend's own blogs, general conference, (most notably President Monson's epic priesthood throw-down), and some of my most recent (and past) experiences.  I wish to discuss some of the funny observations i've noticed... mainly between myself (or men in general) and the lady-types, mostly the hilarity of awkwardness!

I think its really funny how awkward it can be between us.  there's just some things that we're afraid to talk about, or when we do get the guts to do it, its weird.  i'd like to give an example from my childhood..

I will always remember this day.  I was probably like 9, and i was starting to figure stuff out.  i knew that the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were a blatant hoax, so i began to tackle the next foe in fantasy childland: the infamous Stork.  Now, i knew that moms would get pregnant and have babies.  I just didn't know how they got in the momma's tummy.  i just wanted to know!  simple enough question, right? wrong. oh how wrong i would soon learn that i was...

i was riding in the family van with my mom.  just me and her.  we were probably coming home from the store or something.  so i ask my mom.  i figured she'd know since she has four kids.  what happened next may be a bit of a stretch, (i was like 9) but then again i'm pretty sure this was burned into my memory forever.  my mom stopped the car.  then she just stared.  like i've never been stared at in my life before.  it was like i had just asked the stupidest question ever posed to a mother.. or that i had said something horribly blasphemous.. i dont really know.  all i knew is that i said something that i shouldn't and that i was probably in trouble.  and she didn't even answer my dang question!  i just wanted to shoot that dang bird out of reality and let it join that crazy egg-laying mammal...

like, a few days later after church my dad comes up to me and is like, "son, i hear you have some questions about.."  and i'm like 'NOPE! its ok, dad!'  i had already gotten into trouble with my mom and i wasn't fittin to get rebuked by my dad or anything.  nonetheless, he sat me down on the hammock and proceeded to beat the tar out of the Stork.  he then had the audacity to tell me that i could go to him if i ever had questions.  really, dad? after what you and mom just put me through?

seriously, when i have my own kids, and my son comes to me and is like, 'dad, what's with the stork?' i'm gonna be totally blunt with him.  i'll probably say something like.. "son..... you're adopted."

thus, the stage was set (for me anyways) for complete and total awkwardness when it comes to the lady-types.  it doesn't help that my only sister went to college when i was in like kindergarten or 1st grade or something.  there's still times when i overhear something and i'm like what!? women have to deal with that!? regularly? as if having children wasn't hard enough! you have got to be a dirtbag to disrespect women knowing what they have to go through!

being in an all-woman major has somewhat helped me understand women a little better. i at least know when i'm expected to think that a comment was awkward cause the whole class will stare at me and wonder if i knew what they're talking about. 

and, but of course, the awkwardness continues.  i for one, always get an awkwardness attack when attempting to ask someone out on a date.  its great.  its like a new challenge or something.  and it's always way harder than beating the elite four or recovering the Triforce from Ganon.  its like my instincts think that if i approach a woman that she'll bite my head off and eat my brains (which would actually be totally awesome).

it always starts the same.  ward prayer either just ended or class just got done.  i purposely pack my stuff a little bit slower cause she takes forever to leave the classroom.  i start thinking of crappy jokes to tell her or check to see if my impressive pokemon collection is available to show off.  then it happens.  the instincts go into defensive mode.  the stomach is always the first to turn on me.  "NO!" it shouts at me, "if you ask her out, Hyrule will be in darkness forever!"  i fight on.  "shut up, stomach!" i cleverly retort, however, the gut's bad example starts to affect the other organs.  the heart begins to pound.  "he's right you know!" it shouts, "you should be playing smash bros this weekend, not enjoying your time with her!"  at this point i'm pretty much freakin out.  "what do i do!?" i think to myself, but by now my brain has already said "sorry, chump, you're on your own.."  oh no.. i must be doomed.  what if this doesnt work? am i donefor?  can i go back to the begging and try again?  i did pick up a green mushroom on the way...

with all this wonderful craziness going down, after the crappy jokes have been told and impressive pokemon fainted and blacked out.. i realize i actually went through with it and was talking to her and had asked her out!  way to go, me!  she responds with the same 'what the crap' look that my mom gave me so many years ago.... then a few days later my dad's like, "son, i hear you have some questions..."

just kidding. they pretty much always say yes.  cause i'm awesome.

i wonder if the same awkward goes down for the ladies.  trying to see it from their view, i guess it would go something like this... "oh dear... he's packing up slower than normal. is he gonna talk to me?" 
"NO! you have to watch the notebook and cry quietly this weekend!!"
"shut up pancreas.  i wish this wasn't so awkward.  his pokemon are really cool but i'm too scared to say anything... is he joking?  why am i staring at him like my mom stared at me when i was 9?"

probably not. its probably more like this...

"who the heck is that guy?  did he just say something about pokemon... that reminds me of my little brother.. did he just ask me to... i'll just tell him that i have a family thing that weekend..."

just kidding, people...

though, i do think that it is funny when the ladies want to say no, but just cant bring themselves to.  they don't want to feel bad.  so instead of saying, no, a much better option is chosen.  they lie.  "oh i'm busy that weekend.  oh my family's coming to town."  then, the more funny part; they get frustrated when the poor guy doesn't get the hint!  why doesn't he get it?  because!  he listened to Elder Cook and Elder Scott in general conference and believes that you're a wonderful, beautiful daughter of God who would probably explode if she didn't tell the truth.  then when he does figure it out... he feels bad. in the words of billy madison, "a simple 'no' would have been fine." and then the lady feels bad cause she did that to him.  DISCLAIMER: I realized after writing this lil shpeel that there ARE legit times when i've asked out girls and they really did have family stuff or were just too busy.  And i don't think that they are liars. Just wanna clear that up.


DISCLAIMER #2
Oh, and by the way, all yall dudes dont think you're innocent of this.  guys are just as guilty of this sillyness.. its just that the girls are usually the ones who are being asked out, so they have more chances to say yes or no. 

see? we're all just worried about being too nice to people.  if we were jerks we'd just make it easier on them.

just kidding. totally just kidding.

anyways, i think that i'm done for now.  i am in no way complaining about the way things are.  i think that its really funny that things can be awkward between the man-types and the lady-types.  but then i think about how much my parents love each other and figure, hey, they got over the awkward stuff. i figure i can too. 

if you actually read all of this, then you are pretty awesome.  hope you laughed at something.