like, awkward, bro!

So I used to do the blogging thing when I was in high school.  It was a lot of fun.  I tried to make people laugh with it.  I even started posting my crappy MS paint comics on it.  Then, like, facebook came out or whatever and I was like, 'well I dont need this crap anymore,' and then I stopped. 

However, after reading my friends blogs and stuff (and having my sister mail me like her entire years worth of blogs while I was on a mission) I kind of wanted to try it out again.  I often have funny things pop into my head but then I have anyone around to tell it to.. then I forget.  But not anymore!  I can just write it down and publish it to the WHOLE WORLD.  So, I hope to make posts of funny things/observations that I have throughout my days.. and hopefully you can read and enjoy and maybe laugh off some stress or something. 

A note about myself: those of yall who know me probably also know that i am a rather sarcastic person.  This fact, combined with my deep manly manvoice (which my manly man grandpa passed down to me) and also the fact that i often forget to smile (seriously, people have to remind me regularly) causes some people to think that i'm one of those angry people.  It also doesn't help that when you're sarcastic across the cold harsh text that is read over the internet.. well you can come off angry or something.  The point being- I am very happy, but I'm also very sarcastic so I hope that I dont come off as some punk but that you laugh at what i make fun of.  or whatever.  I'm also starting to notice that i'm pretty bad at capitalizing my sentences and the letter "I" when i'm not writing an assignment.  To all yall english majors... sorry.  I aint always gonna fix it though.

And now, we get to the actual subject of todays post!  This has been inspired by a few things- one of my friend's own blogs, general conference, (most notably President Monson's epic priesthood throw-down), and some of my most recent (and past) experiences.  I wish to discuss some of the funny observations i've noticed... mainly between myself (or men in general) and the lady-types, mostly the hilarity of awkwardness!

I think its really funny how awkward it can be between us.  there's just some things that we're afraid to talk about, or when we do get the guts to do it, its weird.  i'd like to give an example from my childhood..

I will always remember this day.  I was probably like 9, and i was starting to figure stuff out.  i knew that the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy were a blatant hoax, so i began to tackle the next foe in fantasy childland: the infamous Stork.  Now, i knew that moms would get pregnant and have babies.  I just didn't know how they got in the momma's tummy.  i just wanted to know!  simple enough question, right? wrong. oh how wrong i would soon learn that i was...

i was riding in the family van with my mom.  just me and her.  we were probably coming home from the store or something.  so i ask my mom.  i figured she'd know since she has four kids.  what happened next may be a bit of a stretch, (i was like 9) but then again i'm pretty sure this was burned into my memory forever.  my mom stopped the car.  then she just stared.  like i've never been stared at in my life before.  it was like i had just asked the stupidest question ever posed to a mother.. or that i had said something horribly blasphemous.. i dont really know.  all i knew is that i said something that i shouldn't and that i was probably in trouble.  and she didn't even answer my dang question!  i just wanted to shoot that dang bird out of reality and let it join that crazy egg-laying mammal...

like, a few days later after church my dad comes up to me and is like, "son, i hear you have some questions about.."  and i'm like 'NOPE! its ok, dad!'  i had already gotten into trouble with my mom and i wasn't fittin to get rebuked by my dad or anything.  nonetheless, he sat me down on the hammock and proceeded to beat the tar out of the Stork.  he then had the audacity to tell me that i could go to him if i ever had questions.  really, dad? after what you and mom just put me through?

seriously, when i have my own kids, and my son comes to me and is like, 'dad, what's with the stork?' i'm gonna be totally blunt with him.  i'll probably say something like.. "son..... you're adopted."

thus, the stage was set (for me anyways) for complete and total awkwardness when it comes to the lady-types.  it doesn't help that my only sister went to college when i was in like kindergarten or 1st grade or something.  there's still times when i overhear something and i'm like what!? women have to deal with that!? regularly? as if having children wasn't hard enough! you have got to be a dirtbag to disrespect women knowing what they have to go through!

being in an all-woman major has somewhat helped me understand women a little better. i at least know when i'm expected to think that a comment was awkward cause the whole class will stare at me and wonder if i knew what they're talking about. 

and, but of course, the awkwardness continues.  i for one, always get an awkwardness attack when attempting to ask someone out on a date.  its great.  its like a new challenge or something.  and it's always way harder than beating the elite four or recovering the Triforce from Ganon.  its like my instincts think that if i approach a woman that she'll bite my head off and eat my brains (which would actually be totally awesome).

it always starts the same.  ward prayer either just ended or class just got done.  i purposely pack my stuff a little bit slower cause she takes forever to leave the classroom.  i start thinking of crappy jokes to tell her or check to see if my impressive pokemon collection is available to show off.  then it happens.  the instincts go into defensive mode.  the stomach is always the first to turn on me.  "NO!" it shouts at me, "if you ask her out, Hyrule will be in darkness forever!"  i fight on.  "shut up, stomach!" i cleverly retort, however, the gut's bad example starts to affect the other organs.  the heart begins to pound.  "he's right you know!" it shouts, "you should be playing smash bros this weekend, not enjoying your time with her!"  at this point i'm pretty much freakin out.  "what do i do!?" i think to myself, but by now my brain has already said "sorry, chump, you're on your own.."  oh no.. i must be doomed.  what if this doesnt work? am i donefor?  can i go back to the begging and try again?  i did pick up a green mushroom on the way...

with all this wonderful craziness going down, after the crappy jokes have been told and impressive pokemon fainted and blacked out.. i realize i actually went through with it and was talking to her and had asked her out!  way to go, me!  she responds with the same 'what the crap' look that my mom gave me so many years ago.... then a few days later my dad's like, "son, i hear you have some questions..."

just kidding. they pretty much always say yes.  cause i'm awesome.

i wonder if the same awkward goes down for the ladies.  trying to see it from their view, i guess it would go something like this... "oh dear... he's packing up slower than normal. is he gonna talk to me?" 
"NO! you have to watch the notebook and cry quietly this weekend!!"
"shut up pancreas.  i wish this wasn't so awkward.  his pokemon are really cool but i'm too scared to say anything... is he joking?  why am i staring at him like my mom stared at me when i was 9?"

probably not. its probably more like this...

"who the heck is that guy?  did he just say something about pokemon... that reminds me of my little brother.. did he just ask me to... i'll just tell him that i have a family thing that weekend..."

just kidding, people...

though, i do think that it is funny when the ladies want to say no, but just cant bring themselves to.  they don't want to feel bad.  so instead of saying, no, a much better option is chosen.  they lie.  "oh i'm busy that weekend.  oh my family's coming to town."  then, the more funny part; they get frustrated when the poor guy doesn't get the hint!  why doesn't he get it?  because!  he listened to Elder Cook and Elder Scott in general conference and believes that you're a wonderful, beautiful daughter of God who would probably explode if she didn't tell the truth.  then when he does figure it out... he feels bad. in the words of billy madison, "a simple 'no' would have been fine." and then the lady feels bad cause she did that to him.  DISCLAIMER: I realized after writing this lil shpeel that there ARE legit times when i've asked out girls and they really did have family stuff or were just too busy.  And i don't think that they are liars. Just wanna clear that up.


DISCLAIMER #2
Oh, and by the way, all yall dudes dont think you're innocent of this.  guys are just as guilty of this sillyness.. its just that the girls are usually the ones who are being asked out, so they have more chances to say yes or no. 

see? we're all just worried about being too nice to people.  if we were jerks we'd just make it easier on them.

just kidding. totally just kidding.

anyways, i think that i'm done for now.  i am in no way complaining about the way things are.  i think that its really funny that things can be awkward between the man-types and the lady-types.  but then i think about how much my parents love each other and figure, hey, they got over the awkward stuff. i figure i can too. 

if you actually read all of this, then you are pretty awesome.  hope you laughed at something.